Having a Vagina Is a Bummer

Being a female after puberty pretty much sucks. We get our monthly "visitor" and deal with it once a God damn month EVERY month unless we are knocked up or post-menopausal. In some countries women are banished from praying or participating in daily activities during that "time of the month". I've heard men joke that anything that bleeds for 7 days straight and doesn't die is not to be trusted. Well excuse the fuck out of me, gender with a sausage hanging between your legs. My uterus, though often crampy and annoying, is neatly tucked inside my body like a little cave of wonder. Your junk is just all OUT THERE and dangling around like a lonely rope swing in the jungle. And when it gets hot outside or when you are doing something active, isn't it annoying?! Doesn't it stick to your leg like a sad, half-deflated balloon, all swampy and sad? I suppose that's why you are always itching and grabbing down there. A hand is more acceptable than whipping out a spatula to dislodge your sack. I am glad I do not have a dick. When you are "happy" there's no hiding it. It's out there with reckless abandon for the world to behold. If we are feeling amorous at least we can disguise it better. We just might hike our skirt or rub up against you like a Persian cat. You just turn into boner stabbers. There's nothing subtle about that, boys.

When we "become women" it can be darn right gross and confusing. You want me to stick this wad of cotton on a string WHERE exactly?! I don't fucking think so. So we suffer through wearing those God damn pads. They are about the grossest things you can stick in your pants, aside from maybe a steamer-loaded Depend. As a young lady trying to deal with being a young teen and having to deal with a period, it is a pain in the ass. You have days where you don't quite get the pad adhered to the right spot in your panties and you have a bleed-out in your white jeans. Lesson #1: Do not wear white pants when you are flowing like the Mississippi. You have a day when you think wearing a pad with a thong or a leotard is a good idea. Lesson #2: Please just buck up and try a tampon when wearing a thong, leotard, or bathing suit. It is a lose/lose situation to have your maxi pad peeking out like a slice of strawberry pound cake as you pull off that triple pirouette. A tampon can be as absorbent as the ShamWow but it does have its limits. Please change frequently or you will look like you have a penis-looking lump poking out from your cooch. Lesson #3: Change your tampon, especially at the pool because that innocent looking cotton Christmas ornament will suck up chlorinated pool water till you are straddling a Nerf football on a string. So much to learn, young menstruating Jedi masters. Eager to learn and messy are you...

Having a uterus means you have the potential for being a baby factory. Your belly grows like several pounds of dough proofing in a bowl. But instead you have to buy giant pants with a special panel in the front to secure your Enormo-Gut. People touch you, ask when you will "pop", comment indiscreetly about how much weight you've gained. Fuckers. After 9 plus months of waddling around like a Weeble Wobble and not being able to see your pussy, you get the sheer bliss of the most horrific pain you can ever imagine then if you are lucky, you get to shoot this little bundle of mucus-covered joy from your love box. My grandma once said having a baby is like crapping a watermelon. Profoundly true. I highly advise against standing over a mirror the day after baby has made its way into the world. It is like the Grand Canyon of pastrami. Makes you wonder, "Now what in the HELL did it look like before?!.."

In the gender apparatus debate I am voting women win hands down. Despite the bleeding and birthing, I can't imagine how annoying a dick between my legs would be, no offense. Still, there are days when having a vagina can be a bummer. But having a schlong trouser snake is worse, I reckon. I'll stick with the secret poon cave any day. Much more discreet.