So Are Ya Coming or Not?

Not sure when society became so freaking rude. I see now that there really is no good reason to put a date to RSVP on an invitation. Because 75% of people who I invite, even if it's a party where their kid is invited, do not tell me whether or not they might come. So I am forced to either stalk them via email which can be as easily ignored as a paper invitation. Or I call their home or cell, to which a friendly answering machine message always awaits . "Hey, it's the Connor's family! No one's around to chat so please leave a message and we would love to connect later! Have a great day!" Fuck you, you don't really want me to have a great day. You especially do not want to listen to my call. You are probably standing right there, listening, knowing you're a douche for not facing the situation. Hey, I've been there, I get it. I want to tell you my kid will be coming to the laser tag party and what does your kid want. I don't want to hear about the 5 invisible pounds you gained, your incompetent nanny, or how it frosts your ass they don't carry decent organic peaches at Whole Foods any more. Tell you what, here's my cell AND email. Leave me a short message telling me yes or no. No bullshit pleasantries, no stories, just facts at hand. Then you can fuck right off.

I always hesitate when certain kids make "the list". There is always a couple of children my kids swear are total BFFs in school but then never speak to them. Odd. I begrudgingly invite the kids, knowing full well I will be forced to stalk an RSVP. Sure as shit, after two messages the twins in question cannot come. No reason. Just can't make it. One little well-to-do kid whose mother co-owns two lucrative local businesses was invited twice and never RSVP'd. Guess what? You didn't make the list this year! So stop blowing smoke up my ass about "it's a shame the girls don't get together" when I shop at your douche bag store loaded with over-priced country knick knacks and ugly as fuck Brighton collection crap. The one key chain I bought from you broke so you can suck it.

And on another level of rudeness, I was shunned due to my age from fully participating in youthful dance club activities I happened to be a seasoned pro at. I will not imply the word "veteran" because I am not military nor past my prime. My husband got on an exclusive guest list only club opening in Chicago. We even got VIP bottle service for God's sake. There were no less than 20 photographers there snapping shots of the ladies and men drinking and dancing, both of which I was doing. I was rocking a slinky black Grecian dress with gold rope detail and my kick-ass gold heels. I'll be God damned if every photographer did not shun me like the high on Red Bull big sister at the club scene in Knocked Up. There were fatter chicks than me, there were mongloid-ugly scenesters there, there were douche bag Jersey Shore guidos who thought a sleeveless plaid Abercrombie shirt, a white pimp fedora, and white jeans were the recipe. I had the club scene plague. Of course the bitches in day glow body paint and lace neon panties gyrating in the window got priority. But bitches who pulled a clearance rack Discovery ensemble, dance like goat who simultaneously took a rufie and Viagra, and did the sloppy spill the drink, giggle, "Hey whussssssss yerrr name?" and then stumble because they're one jaeger bomb away from further brain damage? THIS is the used tuna taco smellin' hooch you want to feature in 40 shots?? Pure class my man. She'll let you buy her a drink, maybe get a nice make out session. But she will not be fucking your crazy ass, fake Tommy Bahamas shirt wearing, comb over baldaliciousness tonight. Don't get me wrong I won't fuck you either. You probably still live in your parents' basement, your favorite place to eat is Medieval Times, and collect Dungeons and Dragons crap.You are hot.

I vow to have better manners because it pisses me off when others do not. I will be better at RSVP'ing. I'll send thank you notes. I will remember birthdays. And I will shove skinny, 20-something hoochies down the stairs when they try to steal my limelight. Just because they have a tight little ass, perky haven't had a baby yet titties, and a size 2 figure doesn't make them God. Okay, whores?

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