Mother's Day 2014 is almost upon us. Moms are typically given flowers, a nice brunch with the family, a heartfelt card, a gift certificate for a manicure of even a massage. I enjoy the notion of gorging yourself on a typical American buffet of 75 pounds of shrimp and crab legs, assorted salads, enough meat to keep a hardcore paleo dieter from shitting for a month, more breakfast meats than is even legally allowed at Old Country Buffet, and of course the DESSERT TABLE loaded with cookies, cakes, pies, puddings, and the obligatory fruit (ha!). Though we will most likely stuff our faces at the same buffet this May 11th, I am asking for a simpler gift, one that literally costs no money. I would ask that everyone in my house can refrain from being a FUCKING ASSHOLE for one day.
Mother's Day is MY day. The one day to celebrate ME for all the utter hell I go through being a mom. There are days I do look at my kids in awe and wonder, amazed at how they became such wonderful children. This is mostly when they are asleep or I see a kick-ass report card. Lately there have been less and less kumbaya moments and more "where-did-I-sign-in-blood-for-this-bullshit-motherhood-glutton-for-punishment-gig" moments. I have reached the brink many times recently. It has surpassed the yelling/screaming/swearing level and gone directly into the numb/dazed/blinking back tears mode. No matter what people say, being a mom is a hard-ass job.
Here are some fun facts they DON'T tell you about being a mom:
1) Stretch marks are NOT sexy or "tiger stripes". If your mom had them and you have a baby bigger than a potato, you will get them. There are zero creams or potions that will make them go away. They are ugly and unless you have a plastic surgeon cut them off you, deal with it. I am sporting some on my belly, hips, and boobs. Think of it as middle age tie dye for your skin.
2) Kids are really, really mean and they do not care about your feelings. When our children are infants, they are helpless little screaming blobs that eat and shit and rarely sleep. When they are toddlers they are unreasonable and say NO often and throw massive fits in public. This is my LEAST favorite stage of parenting. Teenagers have raging hormones which gives them this assumed license to be total dicks and blame it on being a teen. When teens do not like what they hear from you they will slam doors, sigh loudly, mumble profanity just unclear enough for you to say, "HEY!!! What did you just say about me?!"You are supremely uncool and cannot say, wear, do, speak, or suggest anything cool/normal/awesome. You will ground them often and they will hate it but repeat same behaviors two days later. It's like Groundhog Day up in my house----every single day the same teen drama recreates itself.
3) No one really ever wants to help out in the daily things moms do. The chores aren't glamorous, you don't get paid jack squat, and mom will always do it faster and better so why bother? Guess what? I don't like doing them either!!!! This year I plan on creating a sort of "This is Mom's Superglam Life Activity" scavenger hunt. Various stations will be in their usual places in the house. My family will have to figure out the order in which I do these things and then perhaps they will wager on how long each will take to finish. Great fun for all! I will sit back with a giant martini in hand and a timer.
4) Being a mom makes you dog-ass tired. I get up before anyone in my house. I am always the last one to go to bed. I have to think of things and remember details no one else will. For Mother's Day, even if it seems like something that doesn't matter to you, it matters to me so please don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE.....
These are things I consider FUCKING ASSHOLE behavior in my house:
-keep putting trash in the trash can when it has reached the top of the bag and is now getting jammed when you close it. Change the damn bag and put the trash in the garage.
-if you are going upstairs or downstairs and you see any of your own shit that belongs to YOU, take it with you. Every. Single. Time. Shoes, bags, mail, boxes. If I see something that has been sitting there too long and you don't care, Goodwill is right down the street.
-pick up your god damn laundry. Do not leave underwear on bathroom floor, jeans flung onto nightstand, wet towels on carpet, or outfits from days prior shoved into corner where you think I won't see it. I will. There are laundry hampers very close. You can also FOLD your clothes and put them back in your closet/dresser. Again, Goodwill is very close in case you didn't want those Hollister jeans.
-empty your suitcase. If it has been two days since you have returned, you have had plenty of time. If there are two or more suitcase piled up they will be placed under the deck and I will place skunk treats nearby.
-if the dishwasher appears to be full and clean, empty it. Do not pile more dirty plates and utensils in the sink. And do not put extra dirty plates in CLEAN dishwasher because you "didn't know". It's not rocket science.
-take the dogs out JUST BECAUSE IT'S NICE OF YOU. Do not wait until they whine. Do not argue about "I did it last time" or "I always do it". No, you do not fucking "always do it". There are two litterboxes in this house, scoop one. Play with the dogs just because it's nice and you can actually stop playing Candy Crush or Snapchatting for 15 minutes. That stupid duck face you make is getting old.
-if there is cat vomit, or dog pee or poop do not exclaim "There's shit/pee/puke on the floor!", point to it, and then step over it. No one enjoys cleaning it up. You have two arms, know where paper towels and spray cleaner are, fucking help out.
-do not leave your crusty ass granola, mustard, or egg yolk dishes in sink dry to turn into cement so I have to clean them. Rinse them. Or I might break them over your head in your sleep.
-if I have to remind you to do something you should have done, do not say "I forgot", "I was going to do that", or "I didn't know". All stupid lies and empty talk. You have lived in this house a long time. You speak English. I am not wearing a maid uniform and leave at the end of the day to go home to my real family. Clean up your own shit.
-if I want you to help me, do not say, "I have to get to this next level on my game first". I will seriously take your phone and shove it up your ass.
-no eye rolling, yelling, blaming, screaming, shoving, door slamming, rage disorder, temper tantrums, "I did it last time"....This applies to all members of this house, please. For one day.
All I want is for my family to be thoughtFUL, not thoughtLESS. Do something you know I do without asking, without prodding, without me asking you 10 times and then me flipping my shit because it's 10 o'clock and my migraine is about to make me cry. Dishwasher, trash, laundry, cat litter, dogs, messes, spills, shoes, dirty underwear, dog turds. I guarantee if you all pitched in and did all the things I do in my day "just being a mom", you would get it. Now go be nice to MOM to today because she deserves it. And don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'm going to have a mimosa now.....
