I am highly irritable lately. Lots of seemingly small things are pissing me right the fuck off. I will name a few...
*Sorting white laundry. In my personal image of HELL it will be a never ending dryer and baskets of white socks that never seem to have a matching set. I hate whites. I sometimes wish my family was peg-legged pirates so the lone leg we have left wouldn't matter what kind of damn sock ended up on it.
*Being tired in the morning. I never, ever wake up peppy and ready to go. I need the snooze button, no one speaking to me for a minimum of 30 minutes, coffee (lots), and no migraine. If any of the elements are askew it will not be pretty. Add PMS to the mix and you might as well go sleep somewhere else tonight.
*Fucking assholes who do not know how to drive. This includes fucktards who drive really slow when there is no way I can pass them without dying in a head-on collision, people who do not know the rules of a four-way stop sign (I stopped to your right before you, you do not get to go first, douche muncher), texters who swerve like Mel Gibson driving on a bender, and ass-clowns who ride my ass when it is a God damn SCHOOL ZONE and there is a cop with a speed gun waiting to catch you going a mere 21 miles per hour. Slow your role.
*Kids who act up in public places such as restaurants where little kids really should not be present. Kids who act up when an important phone call comes through. Kids who throw temper tantrums and hit their parents and the parents stand there and take it. Screaming babies. Screaming toddlers. Screaming annoying teenagers. This sometimes includes my own kids, not just other demon spawn. Clearly I am done with the whole baby factory gig.
*Ignorant people who use racial slurs insulting their OWN GOD DAMN race while standing near children. Shut your trashy mouth. I don't say that word in front of my kids, it is even more insulting because you think it's okay. I should kick you in your nuts except I couldn't find them because your pants are 25 sizes too big.
*School fundraisers. Don't even get me started. I cannot sell wrapping paper, shitty candy, shitty jewelry, popcorn, magazine subscriptions, or cookie dough for two kids multiple times a year for every damn thing they belong to. My last name is not Duggar, I do not even know that many people. Fuck off.
*Bitchy mom clicks. You know who they are. Snooty, thinking their shit doesn't stink, clustering in their little circle at school functions, glaring and whispering to each other. And the ironic thing? Some of their kids are already acting JUST LIKE THEM. I know there are women who think I am a bitch but I have to consider the source(s). There are two sides to every story. And my kids are not being bred to be little bitches. They are kind and treat other kids well. I fucking hate bitches, old and young.
* People who wear a size 0. I know some of you "just can't help it". I still feel like a giant turd when I hang out near you. I feel like the Carnie Wilson of the group. I know I'm not a cow. But for one day, hell even for three hours, I would LOVE to know what it felt like to be that skinny. Maybe it's my fucked up dance background. Maybe it's an asshole thing to ponder. Just my gig. I have Skinny Envy.
*Fat people who use scooters and take up handicap spaces in the parking lot when their only handicap is their addiction to Sonic double cheeseburgers. What the fuck is wrong with you??? Get your flabby man tits in check and walk 30 paces. It will do a body good. On second thought, let's make it 60 paces. The woman in the wheelchair is legit and didn't use her grandma's handicap tag to cheat the system. And now she has to wheel her ass through puddles and the rain to get to the entrance because you are a straight-up ASSHOLE.
*People who claim they "would never swear in front of their children". Just because you say "fuck" when your daughter is watching ICarly in the living room and you're in the kitchen, trust me, she heard you. I prefer to swear directly in front of my kids. They often do not like it, sometimes they laugh, I often get scolded. But they know what swear words are, they know as a grown up I can use them. They know it is not appropriate to call another kid an ass clown on the playground. But I am not ignorant in thinking they have never heard me say that shit. If you are a super goody-two-shoes and never say crap then kudos to you. But sometimes yelling MOTHER FUCKER is a much better release than saying CHEESE AND RICE. Try it, you'll like it.
*Pet hair on all my clothes. When you buy a kitten or puppy it seems like a brilliant idea. They are so damn cute and fluffy and all sweet and mischievous. But then they grow up to be cats and dogs. And they run up bills for food and treats and vaccinations and boarding and grooming and toys and beds... It is never ending. So if you want to buy your kid a kitten for Christmas, imagine your life in 20 years. That cat will STILL be there, shedding and puking and shitting and getting cat litter everywhere and leaving white hair all over your black clothes. It is a commitment. So if you love all that shit, go for it. Hell, if you're some crazy cat lady, adopt 5 of them. Just don't tell me I didn't warn you. My cats are 15 and 16 years-old. They hate my dog, live in my bedroom, shed EVERYWHERE, and are up all night like it's a Carnival cruise on their 21st birthday.
Screw crying children, single white socks, old cats, bitches, bad drivers, illegal handicap parkers, closet cursers, skinny chicks, fundraisers, exhaustion, and lazy scooter riders. There, I'm done.
