I have reached a level of throwing in the towel, so tired of worrying about everything and everyone but me, I-just-don't-give-a-fuck-ness that I am ready to travel to a place with exactly what I need. (I wanted to capitalize "I" for emphasis but realized it already is so imagine me double capitalizing it....) I want to purchase a one-way ticket with no idea of when I might return. My current sanity is being compromised and I feel this is the only way to bring it back. I'm kind of kidding but I am kind of serious.
I have a nasty habit of doing things in my home because I know exactly how they are done, how I expect to see results, because I feel guilty if certain things are left unfinished, and really because the walls of my house could come crumbling down and I honestly think my technology-addicted family would not even fucking notice. It's got to stop.
Here a few things I do not want on my quest to regain my sanity:
*I do not want to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to make small talk, or big talk, or political talk, or fucking religion talk, plans for my kids' future talk, or money talk. Silence. Shut your God damn pie hole and leave me alone. If I DO want to talk I will have a small green disc on my beachside table that I will flip over like when I want more meat at those obnoxious Brazilian meat orgies. But if I hear the words "Jesus", "damn Republicans", or "my child just got a 36 on their ACT and was already accepted into 5 Ivy League schools" I will flip that red disc over faster than you can say Kim Kardashian's camel toe.
*I do not want to have sex or even think about it. My mind is not going to be on dicks, it's going to be on sleep and chill out and maybe not even trim my Sasquatch bikini line because who the fuck cares.
*I do not want to have to play with dogs/cats for the 5th time of the day because I feel guilty they have been ignored by everyone but me all day long.
*I don't want to have family members fib and tell me the dogs have been taken out when I know the exact way I put their leashes in the drawer and they are still that way. There is also piss and shit under the dining room table that tells a different story.
*I don't want to be questioned about "What did I DO all day?" when something someone else needs doesn't get done. I did a LOT. And on this trip if I literally want to eat, sleep, and shit and nothing else, I'm doing it.
*I don't want to see a single eye roll from a teen or pre-teen for me asking to turn the volume down on TV, music, phones, Vines, Snapchats, Tweets, twats, or whatever loud-ass device that is currently annoying the shit out of me.
*I don't want to worry about carbs or gluten or drinking diet soda or eating 10 pounds of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups washed down with Nutella straight from the jar. I also don't want to read on Facebook how I will grow cancerous tumors and go on a killing spree from having a mother fucking Fresca now and then. Because Fresca rocks. There is no Whole Foods bullshit organic substitute. Period. The end.
*I don't want to drive any kids all over hell and back for sleepovers and movies and mall trips and pool time and dance class because it's summer and my kids are "bored" and my kid would be the "only one who's not there". Suck it. Go outside and fucking find some friends and play in the woods and drink water from a hose. I did it and my summers were fun as hell.
*I don't want to pick up piles of wet towels and dirty thongs and 48 pairs of shoes because the other members go my house could literally step over the same shit for weeks and not even care.
*I don't want to hear about the things I DIDN'T buy from the grocery store even though I've been there twice this week and spent $475. Go eat a dirty thong, there are plenty to choose from on your bedroom floor.
Here are some things I would like:
*I want to sit on a beach with sand in between my toes, a nice cold drink in my hand, an awesome book to read, and a pillow to nap if I so fucking choose.
*I want to be told how stunningly beautiful I am every single day even if it's by a gay pool boy named Juan.
*I want the bed to made perfectly with the sheets pulled tightly to the top, no lumpy blankets half-assed wadded like a dead cat under the bedspread, and ALL the pillows placed in their proper places EVERY GOD DAMN MORNING by someone other than me. Just because I like it that way and it makes me happy.
*I want to bask in the sun and just recline in a kick-ass beach chair without kids, pets, or husbands whining and asking me to do something for them. This is MY island, go the fuck back to House of Crusty Thongs.
*I want breakfast prepared for me that I get to eat FIRST without worrying about everyone else first, with awesome coffee and an awesome view. This view should not include skinny-ass bitches with perfect bodies in their "Cross Fit" or "I Heart Hot Yoga" or "Ask Me About Beachbody" tank tops. It's time for breakfast, chill the fuck out. It's Sanity Island, not INSANITY Island. I also do not want to see hairy, fat men or toddlers wearing a diaper with no pants, screaming bloody murder. You are not welcome on this island.
*I want fresh flowers in my room every day with notes that read "Just because you are awesome!" or "For all that you do---thank you!" or "You look so sexy eating that Nutella straight from the jar at the beach!" You get the idea. Like tropical flowers that cost a shit ton of money. I'm going all Oprah on this island, fuck it.
*I want towel animals in silly places made by someone who knows how to fold fucking towels better than me. Also perhaps my name or inspirational quotes spelled out on my perfectly made bed or the foyer of my giant suite in rose petals or chocolates or even diamonds.
*I want my TV to have only the channels I would like to watch available daily. No bullshit Spanish channels, no sports of any kind, no Game of Thrones, no Nickelodeon/Disney/any movie or show with the voice of Ashley Tisdale, no depressing ass news, no politics, no religion, no lesbian porn. I want TLC chock full of The Little Couple, 19 Kids and Counting, Hoarders, Little People, Big World, Breaking Amish, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Maybe throw in Food TV as long as it's not Giada DeLaurentis having an orgasm as she eats her own food with her tits hanging out.
*I want a giant shower with luxurious body products and 100 shower heads. And a bench. And another TV where I can watch The Little Couple. Maybe some sort of a Patron tequila fountain to sip from. Yes, in my giant shower.
*I don't want to have to feel the need to buy souvenirs or memoirs for anyone who isn't with me, enjoying this bliss. Why? Because this is all about ME. For once time in my life...ME! ME! ME!
One ticket, one way, who the hell knows when (if) I will come back.
Now kindly shut the hell up because as you see my disc is RED and you are blocking my sun, asshole.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Happy Mother's Day
Mother's Day 2014 is almost upon us. Moms are typically given flowers, a nice brunch with the family, a heartfelt card, a gift certificate for a manicure of even a massage. I enjoy the notion of gorging yourself on a typical American buffet of 75 pounds of shrimp and crab legs, assorted salads, enough meat to keep a hardcore paleo dieter from shitting for a month, more breakfast meats than is even legally allowed at Old Country Buffet, and of course the DESSERT TABLE loaded with cookies, cakes, pies, puddings, and the obligatory fruit (ha!). Though we will most likely stuff our faces at the same buffet this May 11th, I am asking for a simpler gift, one that literally costs no money. I would ask that everyone in my house can refrain from being a FUCKING ASSHOLE for one day.
Mother's Day is MY day. The one day to celebrate ME for all the utter hell I go through being a mom. There are days I do look at my kids in awe and wonder, amazed at how they became such wonderful children. This is mostly when they are asleep or I see a kick-ass report card. Lately there have been less and less kumbaya moments and more "where-did-I-sign-in-blood-for-this-bullshit-motherhood-glutton-for-punishment-gig" moments. I have reached the brink many times recently. It has surpassed the yelling/screaming/swearing level and gone directly into the numb/dazed/blinking back tears mode. No matter what people say, being a mom is a hard-ass job.
Here are some fun facts they DON'T tell you about being a mom:
1) Stretch marks are NOT sexy or "tiger stripes". If your mom had them and you have a baby bigger than a potato, you will get them. There are zero creams or potions that will make them go away. They are ugly and unless you have a plastic surgeon cut them off you, deal with it. I am sporting some on my belly, hips, and boobs. Think of it as middle age tie dye for your skin.
2) Kids are really, really mean and they do not care about your feelings. When our children are infants, they are helpless little screaming blobs that eat and shit and rarely sleep. When they are toddlers they are unreasonable and say NO often and throw massive fits in public. This is my LEAST favorite stage of parenting. Teenagers have raging hormones which gives them this assumed license to be total dicks and blame it on being a teen. When teens do not like what they hear from you they will slam doors, sigh loudly, mumble profanity just unclear enough for you to say, "HEY!!! What did you just say about me?!"You are supremely uncool and cannot say, wear, do, speak, or suggest anything cool/normal/awesome. You will ground them often and they will hate it but repeat same behaviors two days later. It's like Groundhog Day up in my house----every single day the same teen drama recreates itself.
3) No one really ever wants to help out in the daily things moms do. The chores aren't glamorous, you don't get paid jack squat, and mom will always do it faster and better so why bother? Guess what? I don't like doing them either!!!! This year I plan on creating a sort of "This is Mom's Superglam Life Activity" scavenger hunt. Various stations will be in their usual places in the house. My family will have to figure out the order in which I do these things and then perhaps they will wager on how long each will take to finish. Great fun for all! I will sit back with a giant martini in hand and a timer.
4) Being a mom makes you dog-ass tired. I get up before anyone in my house. I am always the last one to go to bed. I have to think of things and remember details no one else will. For Mother's Day, even if it seems like something that doesn't matter to you, it matters to me so please don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE.....
These are things I consider FUCKING ASSHOLE behavior in my house:
-keep putting trash in the trash can when it has reached the top of the bag and is now getting jammed when you close it. Change the damn bag and put the trash in the garage.
-if you are going upstairs or downstairs and you see any of your own shit that belongs to YOU, take it with you. Every. Single. Time. Shoes, bags, mail, boxes. If I see something that has been sitting there too long and you don't care, Goodwill is right down the street.
-pick up your god damn laundry. Do not leave underwear on bathroom floor, jeans flung onto nightstand, wet towels on carpet, or outfits from days prior shoved into corner where you think I won't see it. I will. There are laundry hampers very close. You can also FOLD your clothes and put them back in your closet/dresser. Again, Goodwill is very close in case you didn't want those Hollister jeans.
-empty your suitcase. If it has been two days since you have returned, you have had plenty of time. If there are two or more suitcase piled up they will be placed under the deck and I will place skunk treats nearby.
-if the dishwasher appears to be full and clean, empty it. Do not pile more dirty plates and utensils in the sink. And do not put extra dirty plates in CLEAN dishwasher because you "didn't know". It's not rocket science.
-take the dogs out JUST BECAUSE IT'S NICE OF YOU. Do not wait until they whine. Do not argue about "I did it last time" or "I always do it". No, you do not fucking "always do it". There are two litterboxes in this house, scoop one. Play with the dogs just because it's nice and you can actually stop playing Candy Crush or Snapchatting for 15 minutes. That stupid duck face you make is getting old.
-if there is cat vomit, or dog pee or poop do not exclaim "There's shit/pee/puke on the floor!", point to it, and then step over it. No one enjoys cleaning it up. You have two arms, know where paper towels and spray cleaner are, fucking help out.
-do not leave your crusty ass granola, mustard, or egg yolk dishes in sink dry to turn into cement so I have to clean them. Rinse them. Or I might break them over your head in your sleep.
-if I have to remind you to do something you should have done, do not say "I forgot", "I was going to do that", or "I didn't know". All stupid lies and empty talk. You have lived in this house a long time. You speak English. I am not wearing a maid uniform and leave at the end of the day to go home to my real family. Clean up your own shit.
-if I want you to help me, do not say, "I have to get to this next level on my game first". I will seriously take your phone and shove it up your ass.
-no eye rolling, yelling, blaming, screaming, shoving, door slamming, rage disorder, temper tantrums, "I did it last time"....This applies to all members of this house, please. For one day.
All I want is for my family to be thoughtFUL, not thoughtLESS. Do something you know I do without asking, without prodding, without me asking you 10 times and then me flipping my shit because it's 10 o'clock and my migraine is about to make me cry. Dishwasher, trash, laundry, cat litter, dogs, messes, spills, shoes, dirty underwear, dog turds. I guarantee if you all pitched in and did all the things I do in my day "just being a mom", you would get it. Now go be nice to MOM to today because she deserves it. And don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'm going to have a mimosa now.....
Mother's Day is MY day. The one day to celebrate ME for all the utter hell I go through being a mom. There are days I do look at my kids in awe and wonder, amazed at how they became such wonderful children. This is mostly when they are asleep or I see a kick-ass report card. Lately there have been less and less kumbaya moments and more "where-did-I-sign-in-blood-for-this-bullshit-motherhood-glutton-for-punishment-gig" moments. I have reached the brink many times recently. It has surpassed the yelling/screaming/swearing level and gone directly into the numb/dazed/blinking back tears mode. No matter what people say, being a mom is a hard-ass job.
Here are some fun facts they DON'T tell you about being a mom:
1) Stretch marks are NOT sexy or "tiger stripes". If your mom had them and you have a baby bigger than a potato, you will get them. There are zero creams or potions that will make them go away. They are ugly and unless you have a plastic surgeon cut them off you, deal with it. I am sporting some on my belly, hips, and boobs. Think of it as middle age tie dye for your skin.
2) Kids are really, really mean and they do not care about your feelings. When our children are infants, they are helpless little screaming blobs that eat and shit and rarely sleep. When they are toddlers they are unreasonable and say NO often and throw massive fits in public. This is my LEAST favorite stage of parenting. Teenagers have raging hormones which gives them this assumed license to be total dicks and blame it on being a teen. When teens do not like what they hear from you they will slam doors, sigh loudly, mumble profanity just unclear enough for you to say, "HEY!!! What did you just say about me?!"You are supremely uncool and cannot say, wear, do, speak, or suggest anything cool/normal/awesome. You will ground them often and they will hate it but repeat same behaviors two days later. It's like Groundhog Day up in my house----every single day the same teen drama recreates itself.
3) No one really ever wants to help out in the daily things moms do. The chores aren't glamorous, you don't get paid jack squat, and mom will always do it faster and better so why bother? Guess what? I don't like doing them either!!!! This year I plan on creating a sort of "This is Mom's Superglam Life Activity" scavenger hunt. Various stations will be in their usual places in the house. My family will have to figure out the order in which I do these things and then perhaps they will wager on how long each will take to finish. Great fun for all! I will sit back with a giant martini in hand and a timer.
4) Being a mom makes you dog-ass tired. I get up before anyone in my house. I am always the last one to go to bed. I have to think of things and remember details no one else will. For Mother's Day, even if it seems like something that doesn't matter to you, it matters to me so please don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE.....
These are things I consider FUCKING ASSHOLE behavior in my house:
-keep putting trash in the trash can when it has reached the top of the bag and is now getting jammed when you close it. Change the damn bag and put the trash in the garage.
-if you are going upstairs or downstairs and you see any of your own shit that belongs to YOU, take it with you. Every. Single. Time. Shoes, bags, mail, boxes. If I see something that has been sitting there too long and you don't care, Goodwill is right down the street.
-pick up your god damn laundry. Do not leave underwear on bathroom floor, jeans flung onto nightstand, wet towels on carpet, or outfits from days prior shoved into corner where you think I won't see it. I will. There are laundry hampers very close. You can also FOLD your clothes and put them back in your closet/dresser. Again, Goodwill is very close in case you didn't want those Hollister jeans.
-empty your suitcase. If it has been two days since you have returned, you have had plenty of time. If there are two or more suitcase piled up they will be placed under the deck and I will place skunk treats nearby.
-if the dishwasher appears to be full and clean, empty it. Do not pile more dirty plates and utensils in the sink. And do not put extra dirty plates in CLEAN dishwasher because you "didn't know". It's not rocket science.
-take the dogs out JUST BECAUSE IT'S NICE OF YOU. Do not wait until they whine. Do not argue about "I did it last time" or "I always do it". No, you do not fucking "always do it". There are two litterboxes in this house, scoop one. Play with the dogs just because it's nice and you can actually stop playing Candy Crush or Snapchatting for 15 minutes. That stupid duck face you make is getting old.
-if there is cat vomit, or dog pee or poop do not exclaim "There's shit/pee/puke on the floor!", point to it, and then step over it. No one enjoys cleaning it up. You have two arms, know where paper towels and spray cleaner are, fucking help out.
-do not leave your crusty ass granola, mustard, or egg yolk dishes in sink dry to turn into cement so I have to clean them. Rinse them. Or I might break them over your head in your sleep.
-if I have to remind you to do something you should have done, do not say "I forgot", "I was going to do that", or "I didn't know". All stupid lies and empty talk. You have lived in this house a long time. You speak English. I am not wearing a maid uniform and leave at the end of the day to go home to my real family. Clean up your own shit.
-if I want you to help me, do not say, "I have to get to this next level on my game first". I will seriously take your phone and shove it up your ass.
-no eye rolling, yelling, blaming, screaming, shoving, door slamming, rage disorder, temper tantrums, "I did it last time"....This applies to all members of this house, please. For one day.
All I want is for my family to be thoughtFUL, not thoughtLESS. Do something you know I do without asking, without prodding, without me asking you 10 times and then me flipping my shit because it's 10 o'clock and my migraine is about to make me cry. Dishwasher, trash, laundry, cat litter, dogs, messes, spills, shoes, dirty underwear, dog turds. I guarantee if you all pitched in and did all the things I do in my day "just being a mom", you would get it. Now go be nice to MOM to today because she deserves it. And don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'm going to have a mimosa now.....
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