Get Over Yourself

If you were the ugly bitch who stood a checkout lane away from me at Meijer last Friday, screw you. I smiled at you (because you were staring) and you gave me a once over glance snottier that Janice Dickinson on America's next Top Model (although that silicone-filled freak is no longer on that show). You had no makeup, a sensible cornflower blue t-shirt, nipple-high ultra-light denim shorts, and your sexy pleather tan, side Velcro sneakers. You hair resembled a cross betwen the once popular Dorothy Hamill (I sported that cut in 4th grade..) and Martina Navratilova. Sexy bitch you were not.
So why did you ruffle my feathers? Because you are a classic example of the moms who think they are far superior to me, moms who once had style and gave a shit about their appearance...BEFORE kids. Once little Suzy popped out of your goodie box it's like you said, "That's it! I'm done! It was fun playing, good game!!" Why do you give up? It's possible to retain some style, some sexiness. And it's not just about this lack of style. Maybe you love acid-wash short-alls and are really psyched (some demented) fashion designers have brought them back. If you wear them with confidence yet can appreciate those of us who enjoy tighter-fitting (nipple-revealing) tops and mini skirts, thank you. But if you think that by sporting 85 lbs. of chub rub, a gut that somehow looks exactly the same as your wide ass 'round back, and arms that resemble the Poppin' Fresh dough guy on my Pillsbury breadstick can that you are more momma than me, bite my (mediocre) toned ass.
I like to wear makeup. I wear makeup even at the gym. I am not some crazy Tammy Faye Baker-looking freak, I just prefer a little concealer to hide my Coach luggage bags under my eyes and maybe a coat of mascara on my blond lashes. (At least something on my body is still natural blonde..) If your Clinque moisturizer and Chap Stick make you feel like a better person than me, guess what? You're not. Oh, and you're ugly, too. I get my hair highlighted and cut and it's not cheap, but I have been known to blow as much at Target..actually, a lot more. You can have cute hair and still be a kick-ass mom. Looking like you camp out for Melissa Etheridge tickets with your spiral Ogilvie home spiral perm mullet make you white trash---not wash 'n' go Mother Earth. I try to dress youthful and trendy. Sometimes I'm sure I look like an ass, resembling Drew Barrymore's character in "Never Been Kissed" but at least I try. It cracks me up when I wear my bubble gum pink "Go Go's: Our Lips Are Sealed" t-shirt and teens ask, "Who's that?!" Yet they clamor to buy Pac Man and old school Pepsi T's. WHAT-EH-VAH!!! I hang out with plenty of teens where I teach dance so I REALLY can't get away with the douche-bag mom look. Nor do I aspire to.
So get over yourself in your L.L. Bean matching sweater set and twill slacks with coordinating pinstripes. I want to be part of the PTA but don't quite have the time. My kids eat fruit snacks, powdered donuts, and sometimes go a few days without so much as a carrot. They watch Spongebob but I draw the line at Taxicab Confessions and the Sopranos. I take them to church on Sunday but they beat the crap out of each other, bitch about how bored they are, and splash in the holy water 'cause Mommy doesn't want to take too much time explaining it. Hey, Sophie's in religious education so give me a break. They'll explain enough to her by May when she makes her first communion and she can finally learn "how that flat cookie tastes". So if I smile at you because you cannot believe the audacity of a MOTHER wearing such a tight t-shirt to hug her big perky boobies and you can't stop staring, just smile back and move along. Or I will be SURE to have our kids play together and your daughter will come to my kid's Bratz Hookerz Gone Wild 8th birthday party where the treat bags will include Marlboro Reds, a mini 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade, and a bag of crack. You are a lame twat for feeding your kids All Bran for breakfast. Wouldn't it have been SO much easier to smile back?