Who Comes Up With This Shit?

I am just venturing a guess that there might be a high turnover in the job industry that requires coming up with catchy names for new products. Do any of you read the labels on those pricey little bottles of OPI nail polish? Affair in Red Square? All Lacquered Up? Quarter of a Cent-Cherry? Didgeridoo Your Nails? And me personal fave, Who Comes Up With These Names? No shit. Can you imagine the pressure from your over-caffeinated boss with 3-inch talons, breathing down your neck for ANOTHER fucking list of jack-off names? After a full year of new shades every 4 months, my list would read:
* Up Yours, You Twatbag
* Your Breath Smells Like Douche
* Lick My Hairy Nips
* I'm Going to Take a Dump In Your Purse
* Your Husband Wears Panties
* I Quit, Now Where's the Cuervo?
And let's talk about IKEA. I know it's Swedish-based and loads of international people, who are also cheap and into disposable furniture, shop there. These folks may have fabulous shoes, jeans, and haircuts but many of them don't believe in deodorant. Please don't writhe around on the $299 leather orange couch I am looking at. I can't even see how it feels now because you have made it smell like a stinky onion from your B.O.. And you know how I feel about stinky onions.. Now I could consult my friend, Vicky, who speaks fluent Swedish, but I'm pretty sure this company pulls the names they come up with out of their lignonberry-stained asses. Again, just a guess. According to a website I found, it's all named for regions in Norway or Sweden, men's names, Scandinavian lakes, shit found in nature, and so on. If I had to take over the IKEA "Namin' The Goods'" gig, I'd throw some humor into the mix. Why not make up a whole new language but give people a little idea of what the hell they're buying? For example:
Toilet paper holder: Gluugen Skidder Assen-Viper
Bed: Craanken-Skaanken Humpty Horgen
Upholstered chair: Fatsen Assen-Holder
Crib: Yurgen Offenspring Shitz-Alotsin
Sheets: Jizzen Moppen-Rag
Doorknobs: Vooden Nippelz-Nobz
Bookcases: Hausen Da-Porno Magza
Textured rugs: Feelzen Liken Puubes-Ja
Baskets: Hoolden Crocks-a-Shiitzen Stuff
But maybe they'd rather stick with their system. My verbage might invite a whole new load of consumers that would violate their POANG upholstered chairs in ways that would require some serious stain-removal.
Think of other items we use every day. I mean, what kind of name is DILDO? It's not made of an herb used in potato salad, it is certainly not squishy like dough. Okay, now my mind is in perv land so of course I can't come up with another example. I know some bookworm who studied 27 years of Latin is going to come at me now, deciphering my questions about language. See, I don't give a shit about the breakdown of words. I just find them frickin' weird, that's all. I have to go now. I am going to give myself a pedicure with Kangarooby Red...