There is a shitload of hair in my house. Between Sophie's long blonde mane, Isabella's Rapunzel-esque, never been cut locks, my over-processed hair, and Sultan's bodily hair (sorry, Honey, even though you shave your head you DO contribute to the shedding a bit), we could donate three wigs and perhaps enough trimmings to weave yarn to make a blanket, mittens, and a Kleenex cozy. And that's just from the hair that falls to the floor from brushing it or toweling off after the showers. Don't look in the corners of my kids' bathroom too close. You will see hairy little creatures and may start humming the "Cha-cha-cha CHIA!" song, referring to the pube-like growing plant that resembles Michael Jackson's Jerri Curl circa 1979.
We go through a ton of hair product in this house. From shampoo, conditioner, leave-in conditioner, deep treating conditioner, spray detangler, mousse, gel, and hairspray to shaving cream, Nair, home wax strips, tweezers, and clippers, you would think we are a family of Sasquatches. No, we are just hairy human beasts. I don't think Sasquatches can communicate with profanity so we are clearly superior. Excuse me, FUCKING superior.
Now on any given morning I have the task of styling my girls' hair. Sophie's is long enough but wavy and generally unruly. I fear for leaving her home for more than a day with Sultan because, being a bald man, I doubt he could comprehend the multi-step process of how to detangle the mess on our daughters' heads. If I came home after a girls weekend I would hope he at least taught her to sing "I Shot the Sheriff" or "No Woman, No Crime" because of her authentic Rastafarian dreadlocks. Isabella's hair has never been even so much as trimmed. No, I am not one of those freak-ass religious zealots who wear long denim skirts, long sleeves, uber-long hair, and no makeup EVER. It just looks really pretty and she tolerates me styling and brushing it..sort of.
If it is a shower day then Mommy has to reach into the stall for each kid, soaking myself, shampoo them and then slather their heads with a giant blob of conditioner. After they're done, we use more leave-in Aveda conditioner (is it any wonder my kids act like Sharpay from HSM2 when they get this treatment?!), then American Girl spray detangler, which smells like Vanilla. I have a brush for detangling big knots and one for smoothing, as well as two combs. The amount of hair accessories we own is probably only paralleled by Claire's Boutique. If you hear screams and crying coming from my home on any morning between the hours of 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. do not be alarmed. I am probably not beating my kids with a wooden spoon, just getting that damn snarl out so I can whip that shit into a ponytail.
Sophie will only wear her hair in a ponytail, no braids, no barrettes or headbands, no half up concoctions ("Mom, my hair looks like a loaf of bread!!"), and certainly no buns. On occasion I have been known to coerce one of the aforementioned hairstyles. It usually entails bribery--money or candy. Recital time means hair in a bun. Fancy occasions, like weddings, mean no ponytails. Am I a crazy bitch for forcing this? I sometimes even get pissed at her, accusing her of never looking like a girl. Oh well, at least therapy is covered by most insurance plans..
Now Isabella has The Mane to deal with. She will wear it any way but considering it is literally spiral curls cascading down into her ass crack, Mommy tries to keep it simple these days. If we are running late and she comes at me with the request for "half up, half down, two buns with a teeny braid and bows" I usually say, "One plain braid it is!" Again, bribery of a Popsicle for breakfast has come into play with this shit.
I have a bunch of hair. It is a bitch to dry and style but I really do love it. I've had long hair most of my life. It suits me. I even got "Best Hair" in high school. What a dumb fuck category, I know. I was pretty proud considering it was during an era of giant muffin top perms and mullets, because mine was all one length, never colored (I used to be a natural blonde..), and down to my ass. Ballerina nerd I was indeed. I feel bad for ladies with thinning hair. I cannot imagine. Great, for all the mean shit I say I will develop alopecia tomorrow and one of you will have to do Locks of Love for me..Guys have it easy, if your hair thins out or disappears altogether in spots, just shave that shit off. I would be screwed if I went totally bald. Maybe MY mom is the one who dropped my on my head because it is misshapen. Hold up, it is more like one of those fucked up pumpkins that no one wants because it's all lumpy and tips over. My skull feels like the kid from that movie "Mask" with Cher. Again, I'm so getting struck by lightning for that one. If you don't believe me, feel my gargantuan melon next time I see you. (The one on my shoulders you frickin' pervs!) It is lumpier than Alec Baldwin's ass, I tell you.
So please don't be offended if you visit my home and need a lint roller from just being around my hairy-ass family. Between us and the pets (in case you forgot, two guinea pigs, two cats, and a dog), our floors look like an all-night design session between Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson before the Video Music Awards. In other words, don't plan on wearing black when you come for dinner at the Ghahtanis.
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