Well DUHHHHHHHH!!!

Thank you for coming out, Clay Aiken. I was really under the impression that you were a total muff muncher, looking for poon at every turn. Your husky masculinity made me swoon. All the obese women who followed you around and were "Clay-niacs" were blown away when you decided to reveal you like to smoke pickles. I am shocked, utterly shocked.

O.J. Simpson, karma's a bitch, ain't it? I am laughing my ass off at the news of your verdict. Did you really think your whole life you would be able to walk around, not play by the rules, golf the best courses, date younger white women, and scoff when people sneer in disgust at you? When you are that guilty and arrogant, you are bound to fuck up again. And guess what? YOU DID! Seriously, for some dumb-ass shit. Rotting in jail this time might technically for a different crime but we all know why God finally got your ass in the slammer. Fool. Maybe Drew Peterson will learn from your mistakes.

Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian! Wow, knock me over with a feather. Of course she has to pull that trick out of her hat. She has done EVERYTHING else. She has been a boozehound, a cokehead, an anorexic, Nicole Ritchie's BFF, a shitty actress, a redhead, a blonde, crazy, depressed, a HORRIBLE singer. Did I leave anything out? If you ask me she will pull an Anne Heche and de-dyke next year. Once she has ridden this tuna taco wave till people stop talking about her, she'll switch back to cock. Just you wait and see.

Some scientists have discovered that certain small animals, such as gerbils, turtles, snakes, guinea pigs, and hamsters are not recommended to have as pets for young children. They may carry certain diseases and since many of these animals tend to bite, kids are more prone to contract these diseases. I know what the real deal is here. These "scientists" are actually a bunch of moms who are sick of cleaning animal shit from giant cages. They figured the only way to get a valid reason to release Fluffy into the wild (and become the neighbor cat, Jinx's, mid-day snack) is to make it a scientific reason. Way to go moms, er, I mean SCIENTISTS. I have been looking for more reasons to boycott cleaning up several varieties of animal feces every day.

Martha Stewart has kindly informed me how to make a "pumpkin tableaux" this season. She has also given great ideas for table settings, elaborate handmade Halloween decorations, and vibrant fall foliage to fill my home. Oprah and her clan of columnists from her magazine tell me how to eat right, have more energy, be positive, get out of debt, reconnect with my husband, take a spiritual trip of a lifetime, and how to maximize my shitting capacity each morning with flax and bamboo toilet paper. Fuck these two arrogant, rich-as-shit, too much time on their hands bitches and their multitude of ideas, Here's a book from the library and a dollar for a plain old cup of coffee from Caribou. Sit on your pampered ass and chill the fuck out for 10 minutes. It is fine to be uncrafty, in debt, disorganized and constipated once in awhile.

Michigan is called "The Great Lakes State". I am officially renaming it to "The Great Lakes and A Whole Lotta' Big Fuckin' Hills State". No surprise here, I rode in Michigan this weekend on my bike. It was the "Colorburst" ride from Lowell, Michigan. You could opt for 17, 30, 62, or 100 miles. I decided with the hills I suspected might pepper this path that 62 would be sufficient. Riding 62 miles in Michigan is like riding 115 miles in flat-as-my-dad's-ass Illinois, the land of cornfields. I got to ride with my Uncle John and my friend, Robyn, who used to dance with me in the Grand Rapids Ballet Company. Here are some mental notes that ran through my head as the miles passed. Each "leg" of the ride was about 15 miles...

Leg #!: This scenery is AMAZING! The temperature is perfect. Look at the colors in the trees! What a blessing it is to have reconnected with an old friend and to share the passion of cycling with my uncle, too! Today is awesome!....

Leg #2: This is starting to suck a little bit. These hills are really a little challenging. Robyn and John are really fast even at the top of those hills! That's okay, I am only racing against myself. I can do this. But this is starting to hurt me...

Leg #3: I fucking hate this shit. Fuck me!!! My legs hurt so bad. Where the fuck are Robyn and John?! Well of course they smoked my slow ass and left me in the dust. I am fat and out-of-shape. I think I'm a bad mother, too. I yell and swear too much. And I don't think I'm that great of a ballet teacher. What if I fell over in this ditch here next to me..Would anyone see me go down? How long would it take before anyone noticed I was missing? I fucking hate this shit!! I am going to die. Great, now the fat people are passing me. I am a loser who fucking hates this. Fuck me...

Leg #4: I can do it....I can do it....Push those legs...Use those ass muscles...Ass..ass..ass...ass...Holy mother of God that is a big hill. Oh isn't that nice that Robyn and John have looped back 6 times apiece to make sure I am not dead. What a blessing they are in my life. I can do it. This--hill--is---really--fucking--hard--but---I--can--do--it!!!!.... I did it! Whooo hooo! Koombaya, mother fuckers! I didn't die! That was awesome. I AM a decent person. Just let's lay off on the hill bullshit for awhile... Am I allowed to take a day or two off now?