It's The Holidays, Cheer the Fuck Up

In my pre-children, living in the city days, I worked in retail. This is the dreaded time of your for most retail sales people because, let's face it, it gets fucking CRAZY with all those customers clamoring for the perfect gift. But I have to admit I actually ENJOYED that time of year. Lots of people were on staff for the day to commiserate with, the time flew by because you were always SO busy, Christmas is my favorite time of year so it only added to my holiday euphoria, and they were always crazy customers demanding insane things to bitch about and make fun of. What's NOT to like?

As I shopped in two different malls yesterday I noticed a theme. Crabby as fuck sales associates ringing up my wares at Macy's. Belinda Bootylicious, I am sorry you are missing your lunch break but yelling at the last person in line to "not let no more people line up behind them because it's time for your break" is not their job. Audibly sighing, "Oh my God" upon seeing said line continuing to grow is annoying, as is the shitty attitude you gave me when I asked you for a gift box. It's Christmas time, what are the chances a customer might be purchasing a fucking GIFT?? To the man working in the men's trendy department, you need a serious attitude adjustment. You are sporting that faux hawk, overly gelled hairstyle, you have your dapper skinny suit on, but your sour scowl and mopey demeanor make me realize three things: you are clearly Jewish and despise this impending Christian-based holiday, you are seriously constipated, and you haven't had a blow job in 2 years. I suggest you convert, take some Fibercon, and go to the nearest cheapo ching-chong bing-bong massage parlor and ask for "the extra happy ending". Maybe she'll lick your hairy balls for an extra ten bucks. They probably smell like matzo.

I don't understand why mindless ringing up merchandise is so taxing. Slam a venti Starbucks and just power through that shift. It's not hard labor, it's not brain surgery, you are working in the warmth of the indoors for God's sake. You are ruining my holiday spirit buzz so cheer the fuck up. Santa thinks you are a crabby fuckwad so get over yourself.

I wrapped 55 gifts last night and sadly, this didn't even dip into the presents for my kids. It's fair to say the true meaning of Christmas might get lost in the shuffle of tissue paper, bows, and gift receipts at my house. I know it's there, I know what the dealio is. I take the kids to the insanely packed children's mass on Christmas Eve. Every year we need to get there earlier to score a decent seat and avoid, God forbid, standing through the hour and a half of Catholic mass and singing bonanza. It's tradition and sort of brings things into focus, at least until the flurry of obscene gift giving ensues Christmas morning. Thanks, baby Jesus, you have made this holiday happen. We just amped it up a little bit and made it more kick-ass.

There are some things I know for sure. Alec Baldwin will never be as svelt and charming as we was in the movie, The Marrying Man. (Have you seen his puffy ass lately? So sad..) Stirrup pants will always make you look like an asshole, no matter what Vogue magazine says. And retail insanity is an essential part of my holiday experience. It is FAR AND AWAY the number one activity I enjoy (okay, well I can think of a couple more..) this time of year. So don't ruin my day with your crappy attitude. You signed up for this holiday job, so ring up my shit, offer me gift boxes, and fucking SMILE or Santa will leave a turd in your stocking, maybe shaped like a dreidel. Happy Fucking Holidays!!!!!