Yesterday Don Johnson was hot on my tail. I was driving the speed limit, needing to soon turn in the left lane. He was up my ass in his white Solara. I was not impressed with his feigned badass-ness nor his leadfoot and glares in my rearview mirror. Chill the fuck out, Crockett. He was teriyaki tan, gleaming mirrored Ray Bans balanced on his melanoma-ridden schnoz. I witnessed his white linen shirt, fairly see-through, unbuttoned and billowing open slightly like Fabio on the cover of some romance novel. Not sure exactly sure what this asswipe was in a hurry to get to but he angrily wove in and out of cars to pass us slower drivers. Middle-aged dickwad.
I guarantee this guy thinks he has been "rocking" this look since the 80's. Probably the first chick he gave an orgasm told him he looked like Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice and he has clung to the notion that he IS Don Johnson ever since. News flash: You are in fact NOT Don Johnson. And Don Johnson has aged, just like you have like dehydrated turkey jerky. White linen shirts blazers with 4-inch shoulder pads are no longer a fashion staple unless you are going to an 80'd Halloween shin dig. Button your fucking shirt, I can see your greying chest hair and it's looks like poodle pubes. And quit speeding, your Cialis will still be working to give you that chub by the time you reach your girlfriend's apartment, who probably looks like Linda Evans from Dynasty. What a lucky, heavily frost-and-tipped mullet sporting couple you must be. I'm listening to Billy Ocean's "Caribbean Queen" right now in your honor.
I think it is difficult for some people to change with the times. Hell, some people refuse to change to acknowledge they are parents or teachers or just plain OLD. If your hairstyle has been exactly the same since you were 18 and have been to at least your 10-year high school reunion, it's time for an intervention. Mullets, perms, the "Dorothy Hamill", and muffin bangs---these are all inexcusable atrocities. You associate your "look" with times in your life you were young, having fun, life was carefree, and your drink of choice was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. Change can be good, it will make you better. Clinging to your acid wash Guess jean jacket does not make people look at you and think, "Wow! That chick is fucking HOT! She looks so cool! I wish I could be as smokin' as her!" Nope. Instead, onlookers wince and make fun of you, thinking instead, "Holy shitballs! I didn't even KNOW acid wash still existed! That chick is sad and her hair looks like she raped a poodle salon!" See? Doesn't make you feel so young and hip, now does it?
I think anything you can do with your looks to make you maintain your beauty and youth is a positive thing. Cosmetic procedures these days are wonderful--line fillers, Botox, laser peels--all this shit helps you keep yourself looking young but still you. It's when people are balls-out whacked and go under the knife to nip, tuck, and revise what God gave them that it can get ugly. Really fucking ugly. I look at celebrities like Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Sophia Loren, Demi Moore---these are all celebrities who have gotten older but really have maintained their youth and beauty. Then you have celebrities who have taken it just too far. Heidi Montag (though it makes me cringe to refer to her as a celebrity because she is just a big socialite freak), Joan Rivers, Mickey Rourke, Hilary Duff, and let's not forget Michael Jackson have all gone above and beyond in their attempts to not really better themselves as much as transform themselves ....into fucking alien freaks. When the end result looks nothing like what you began with, it's a problem. Joan Rivers is a claymation Jew, Mickey Rourke has labia lips, Hilary Duff has chompers that rival a Clydesdale horse, Heidi Montag needs to be in a circus sideshow, and Michael Jackson, well... he's dead now but we know there's a million places to go with that one.
The old adage "growing old gracefully" is a crock of shit. No one wants to be the one with wrinkles and bags under the eyes before their time. There are ways around it. Just be smart about it. And for God's sake, if you are going bald and used to favor your long, lustrous, rocker locks, shave your head already. Bald is the shit in case you haven't noticed lately. Dear Bret Michaels: Everybody knows the long flaxen man you adore is only growing from the back. If I ever see you in person, unless you have your bandanna toupee hot-glued or surgically implanted on your skull, I will yank that tacky shit off faster than you can say, "Talk dirty to me!" Better get a patent on your "Rag Rug", God knows Trump is in enough financial troubles he just might steal that idea to turn a profit. And Donald Trump is a bandanna with that fake combover hair is almost as bad as....Bret Michaels in a bandanna with fake rocker hair.
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