You Fucking Stink

Ever notice that the aroma of certain places or things can make your stomach turn? I just go my car washed, full service style. I was asked what scent I wanted in the car. Scent? I'd just like it to smell CLEAN. I decided on lemon but was told there was also jasmine or baby powder. Double yuck. Jasmine reminds me of crappy drugstore cologne that comes in a gift set with a free loofah. And baby powder makes me think of well--- damn babies. In case you aren't aware, my uterus has a sign that reads "Closed for business". I merely hear that blood curdling scream of a newborn and do not feel the urge to lactate or swaddle or coo. I want to get my period right then and there so I am sure another month has gone by where I have avoided getting knocked up by potential demon spawn. Yup, all that from the suggestion of some air freshener.

I stood in line for a class at my gym today for 25 damn minutes. It is a crowded class and one that requires setting up a mountain of equipment. Trouble is, a yoga class was running before it. When the last sun salutation and downward dog was done, we filed in like cattle. The odor in the air was a mélange of vomit, toe jam, and open bed sores. My eyes were burning like I had been maced. We tried to prop open the doors in hopes the fermented panty cheese tangy air might waft out. The culprit? Those bitches finding their inner chakra who apparently bathe their feet in dirty ass juice before taking their socks off to use the yoga mats. The same mats, might I add, that we are required to drape over our bench and do push ups on. Can you get athlete's foot on your palms?


Another scent I loathe more than country music and "c" words spelled on purpose with a "k" is the smell of canned tuna. Try as I may, I just can't get past it. I love tuna sashimi or even grilled tuna. So what in the hell happens between catching that tuna from the ocean, cooking it, chopping it into pieces, and putting it into a can that makes it smell like a fish mongers socks??? I don't get it. But what I get even less is how everyone, my kids and husband included, can pop open a can and eat it straight up without batting an eye. Do you not SMELL that? I think a homeless person just sat on your sandwich. You might want to pass on that one.

When it comes to malodorous situations, nothing is as potentially offensive as dropping ass. But farting is natural. Yes, it stinks. Yes, it is sometimes loud. And yes, you have the occasional shart to "spice things up" and cause you to itch if you don't have access to some Wet Wipes. I personally get the giggles over farts. I think people who are so damn serious that cringe at the mere mention of bodily gas need to pull my finger. Chill out, Tanya Tight-Ass. Quit taking your Beano like jelly beans and let nature take over. If you are stuck in a car or under the blankets when someone Dutch ovens you, that's not so funny. But generally tooting is pretty damn hilarious. (Unless my dad does it and the woman at the drive-through window at Walgreen's can hear it and gags..)

Lastly, I would like to address B.O.. This is the stench that arises once you have hit puberty for both girls and boys. Initially it emanates from the armpit region but can easily be secreted by folds in your gut, neck, back fat, etc. My daughters, though both fairly young, have had their own deodorant for a few years. Once I got an "I love you, mom" hug complete with that oniony aroma, we made a little drugstore run for some Ladies' Secret. I take great issue with people who refuse to acknowledge their own aroma. If you tell me, "But I don't smell! I have never worn deodorant!" or "I use that special crystal they sell at Whole Foods because it's all-natural. The body doesn't NEED deodorant." I'll tell you what, French onion soup pits, I stand behind you in class at the gym. Every time you do an overhead press I am blinded by tears that typically only arise if I am actually CUTTING ONIONS. If you tend to sit alone on the bus or lunch table or even at a cocktail party, I suggest you drop the hemp necklace and belly up to the anti-stank section of your grocery store. Fuck Whole Foods deodorant. They make great exorbitantly priced deli salads but their organic, all-natural health and beauty stuff blows. And for Christ's sake light a match, something reeks and I can't tell if it's your ass, feet, or FUPA.