Suck My Bad Mood, Bitches

Today is our first day back to our "normal routines" after Christmas break. My mood is mopey, crabby, and pissy with a dash of melancholy. If you don't like it, are having a zippity-doo-dah kind of fucking day, or don't feel like reading words that take the name of your lord in vain, kindly go read some Bible verses and shut it. Although it does bug the flying shit out of me how everything is all "Winter Festival" at public schools, even though we would never have two weeks off if it weren't for Baby Jesus' birthday. Just pointing that out.

I am not having a good day. I am first of all really, really tired. Not just ordinary tired. I am too much caffeine after 4pm, racing thoughts of my inadequacies as a choreographer, flipping my shit and screaming at my kids 3 times today, skipping going to the grocery store with only one rotten orange left in my fridge, kind of tired. I dropped my kids off at school, came home, and slept on my couch for an hour and a half. I woke up feeling neither guilty nor rejuvenated. Which exacerbated my mood even more.

My husband is traveling this week. I hate it when he travels. The knowledge of his impending 4:30am alarm clock prevented restful slumber. Once he was up, though I could have slept another hour, I told myself fuck it and got up. I had an unsuccessful bathroom session during which I somehow chose to read an article on mother fucking serial killers. Because there's nothing better than paranoia, exhaustion, and flashing thoughts of getting strangled and dismembered as I have to walk my 10-pound dog in the pitch blackness of my neighborhood at 6am. But even the fear and my brisk pace were enough to make me shit. God damn it.

My Internet seems to always go out completely when my husband walks out the door for a week. I have done all the trouble-shooting I am physically capable of doing. Nothing. I have no job that requires my direct access to the internet. But I have a pitiful existence (not all the time, just currently..) and my lame obsession with checking emails and Facebook is a sad way to fill my time. Make fun of me as you will. A week without internet is a sad, bad thing for me. I am currently draining my phone battery typing this little post. Cocksucking Internet.

I stood in line behind a bizarre Indian man buying a single bag of candy at Target.
He lectured me about how I needed to make sure the bar code was visible because that's how the cashier needed to ring up my giant Rubbermaid containers. Because this is the very first time I've ever been shopping at a store
before. Thanks for the update, Professor Tikki Masala. Wanted to punch him
because that's just the sort of day it's been.

I came home and attempted one last, futile time to plug some hard line or hard-on fucking cable into my computer. I have rebooted my computer more times than Naomi Campbell has bitch-slapped her personal assistants for bringing her a
lukewarm cafe Americano. Surprise, surprise, it did not work. And as I stood from
the floor where the impossibly short cable connected my computer to electrical
nothingness, I jacked my fucking lower back. This is an indirect result of yet
another thing I will bitch about... Sick of listening to my rant yet? Almost done, hold
onto your thongs..


I am an on again/off again workout whore. Right now I'm off duty. As in not motivated, don't give an iota of shit, rat's ass, or flying fuck. I am off the wagon.
The wagon has left town and is in another time zone. I'm not worried, that ol'
wagon will circle back and may need reinforced shocks to drag me back to the
gym. But it's made this trek before, the wagon and me will survive. In the mean
time, my lack of engaging any abdominal activity other than to laugh or force a fart
consequently renders my back weak. Thus doing something as ridiculous as
STANDING upright causes me to have jarring, muscle spasming pain in my lower back. Nothing a little reclining, Alleve, and Oprah while folding laundry won't cure.

So....,
Until I can wake up with abundant energy, motivation to care about fitness, and the ability to have a healthy bowel situation, just nod your head in acknowledgement when you pass me. Wouldn't want to add to my list of grievances, Miss Zippity Doo Dah.