Who Gives a Shit??

Mainstream media has a way of pounding certain stories into the ground until it's all we can do to not bang our head against a wall when hearing about them for the 857th time. Here are some things I am really, really fucking sick of hearing about:

Jennifer Aniston's love life.
I do not give a shit that she was married to Brad Pitt nor that she has had a string of poor relationships. I do not care that she is engaged nor do I think impending nuptials will be worthy of the tittle "Wedding of the Century. Seriously?? She is a lousy actress who had a rich daddy who kindly got her a nose job as a teen. She has great legs, the same hairstyle since she was Rachel on Friends, and a whiney tone when she talks. Moving on..

Taylor Swift.
I DID feel sorry for her when Kanye swooped in to steal her moment of glory at the Grammy's. But now I think she is a bit of a whore. She is 20, dating an 18 year-old KENNEDY. I'm sure it is out of love and affection, not at all for publicity and money. She has dated everyone and then when it doesn't work out (I suspect she is cray-cray), she writes mean and/or melancholy tunes about her exes we are all supposed to listen to and thus feel sorry for her. Not buying it, you twanging tramp. P.S.--I hate country music.

Alec Baldwin and his new 20-something wife, the yoga instructor.
Alec Baldwin's prime was when he did the movie, The Marrying Man in 1991, and was married to Kim Basinger. The relationship fizzled, he became a bloated, booze-guzzling fatty, and then was lucky enough to score a spot on 30 Rock. Because he is Hollywood royalty (and rich), he scores a hot piece of much younger ass who inspires him to cut out sugar from his diet and lose 50 pounds. Let's face it, he's tapping that ass 5 times a day and is smart enough to know this chick, Hilaria (yes, her real name), is the key to bringing his image back. I give their "true love" relationship two years before she moves on to someone younger and with fewer vices.

Kanye and Kim Kardashian.
I cannot believe I am even dedicating a small paragraph to these two assholes. Who gives a fuck if they are dating? She is the hugest Hollywood media whore and people think this relationship is REAL??? C'mon, folks. Her multi-million dollar marriage lasted a blink of an eye. Soon enough Kanye will cheat on her or beat her or get a DUI. Or Kim will have a video leaked of her blowing the entire Miami Heat team. I give this relationship 7 months. Then she will be clamoring on some other rich, black dick. Just wait.

The war of words between Elton John and Madonna.
Elton, you are a porky queen who is jealous because no one asks you to show up in a leotard and play the piano with your feather boa anymore. Madonna, you are a mega-entertainer whose glory days have long since passed but you are desperately clinging to your ego with releases of really awful music and news of you dating embarrassingly young back-up dancers. Guess what? No one gives a shit about EITHER of you besides the older gays of our community. Hug it our bitches, I bet you could find some common ground in your Spandex bedazzled frocks gathering dust in your closets.

Chik-Fil-A.
I personally have never understood the obsession with this place but I know I have friends who are avid consumers of their chicken. Who doesn't love a great chicken sandwich? I also love me some gays and lesbians. But I do not expect them to try to go and hold a religious commitment ceremony next to the nugget fryer in this restaurant. So if this owner wants to let people know what he personally believes is true for him, let him do it. This is America where THANK GOD we have the freedom to believe whatever we want. If it bothers you that much, go eat a chicken sandwich from Burger King. And then hang your rainbow flag and move on. People take way too much fucking issue with every little things these days. Settle down already. And pass the BBQ sauce..

Jennifer Lopez and her back-up dancer boyfriend.
It is sad when a marriage involving children ends but Marc Anthony was an ugly-ass bobble head. Yeah, I said it. Jennifer Lopez traded down--way down--when she married him. But now she is divorced and dating her 18-years younger boyfriend who is one of her lead backup dancers. Because that's ALWAYS a good idea. (Hello, Chris Judd?????) He's smart for seducing her, she's dumb for believing this can work, I'm just going to sit back and watch this one play out. Good times.

Lindsay Lohan.
She is a ticking time bomb, folks. I don't want to hear about her temper tantrums on the set, her partying ways, her poor choices in swimwear that don't support her ridonk implants, or her horrid plastic surgery and injections in her face. She is mediocre talent. She is an entitled bitch with too much money. She's going to go all Whitney, just give it a few years. Bathtub, sleeping pills, blonde weave clogging the drain. It'll happen. ( Call me cruel or insensitive, I call it being realistic. Deal with it.)

Katie, Tom, and Suri.
That marriage/cult contract was a disaster from the get-go. Does anyone honestly think their relationship was based on love??? No offense against Scientology (though even saying the word makes me think of the scene from Airplane where all those religious freaks are approaching that guy and he's having to fend them off---"Scientolo-geeeeeeeee!!!!!!), but it is a weird-ass secretive "faith". All the crazy reports of what Katie was expected to do and believe and raise her child in. The fact she lasted 5 years blew my mind. Good for her for walking out. And "poor Tom" my ass. He's rich as dirt, crazy, and I think slightly repressed homosexual. But this is coming from a suburban mom in the midwest, what do I know about Hollywood celebrities and their lives....

William and Kate.
I was one of the ones who woke my kids up to watch their wedding live on TV. I think they are charming. I think she has a smoking bod and he at least looks mostly like his mom. But can we leave them alone already? Let them have a moment's peace. If they want to have a baby, trust me, I think they'll let us know. I don't need to have a recap of everything they did at the Olympics from clapping to cheering to wiping their ass. I like Kate's style but I am not running out to buy the exact shoes and pantyhose she wears. Chill the fuck out, crazy royal obsessors.

Carlie Rae Jepsen.
If I hear that God damn "Call Me Maybe" song one more time I will punch the closest living thing next to me in the crotch. I don't give a shit if the Harvard baseball team lip-synced it, I don't care if the Olympic swim team lip-synced it, I don't care if they taught a troop or paraplegic monkeys to lip-sync it, I do NOT want to hear this jam anymore. And what's up with everyone in Hollywood having three names?? Let's start a new trend, let's call you by the first thing that pops into my head when I see you... FUCKTARD.

I'll catch you later, I have to go catch up on Adele's love life and who Katy Perry is banging this week via TMZ....

Suck It, Summer

The onset of the school year and end of summer are significant for several reasons. The bickering and noise level will decrease exponentially in my house. The begging for mid-week sleepovers and subsequent "sleepover hangovers" (aka "The Pre-Teen Bitch Wagon Excuse) will be gone. A regular schedule of sleeping and eating will resume and it will force me to go back to the gym immediately after kicking my youngest to the curb at elementary school at 8:50am. But most importantly, this means the cooling of temperatures and (hopefully) immediate cessation of the Slip and Slide's worth of inner thigh sweat I have been self-lubricating my body with since about April.

Traditionally summer is my most favorite season. I love a good tan, I adore vacation, I sleep in with abandon. This year, however, I feel that with a few teaser days of high temps even as far back as March, it has been summer hot for far too fucking long. I have been sweating like a French whore for months on end and I am over it. Anyone else? This is not to say I am craving bitter cold temps, chapped hands, or salt encrusting my boots and entryway. I would just enjoy a moment of wearing jeans, that's all.

There are different levels of sweating. There is sweating when you are engaged in a good workout. There is sweating when you are cooking in a hot kitchen. There is sweating when you are practicing self-control to not beat the shit out of your kids when they are acting like crackheads, wrestling and whining at the store. And there is the kind of sweat that happens when it has been The Summer of Death Heat for 5 months. This type of sweat is different than any other. It is lethal, it will cause ladies to perspire heavily in areas that are not very ladylike. It will cause wives to use their husband's deodorant because "lady strength" antiperspirants have pretty much said "Up yours!!" and ceased working, rendering your pits stinkier than an onion festival run by hippies who live in tents. But most importantly, it is the kind of sweat that makes your inner thighs slipperier than a jello wrestling contest.

I don't consider myself the sweatiest person in the world. There are no embarrassing photos of me pitting out with dark stains creeping from my armpits I try to hide from view at the holidays. I don't need to wear a bandanna or John McEnroe-style sweatband on my forehead to prevent sweat from blinding me while I workout (this could also signify laziness but I digress..). But when it is really, really hot, I sweat between my thighs. Call it TMI, just being real. And I know many of you ladies share this plight.

While on vacation recently, our family spent a LOT of time walking with no chance to cool off in a pool or air conditioning. We're talking like 6 hours in the peak heat (95-100 degrees in the blaring sun) walking. I would sit down for lunch  (outside of course) and by the end of the meal the crease at my hips and the spot between my ass cheeks looked like I had been humping a wet sponge. WTF?? My inner thighs were so hot and wet it was all I could do not to buy a roll of paper towels and straddle it. Clearly the hand dryers in the bathroom were too high to hoist my glistening ass up to air out so I had to let the wind and time take its course. Back at the hotel room I knelt down to put some water bottles in our mini fridge and the profuse smell of onions blasted me in the face. I immediately thought the fridge was malfunctioning until I realized it was my inner thigh/vagina sweat situation which was causing said stench. The heat of this trip caused me to have to attend to my lady bits several times a day. For all the years I made fun of those Massengill Douche commercials and that "not so fresh feeling", I had officially become a bad cliche 80's commercial.

So summer, though it has been nice seeing you again, you have overstayed your welcome. I say to you in the kindest way, please fuck off already. I have run out of patience, paper towels, and underwear.