The onset of the school year and end of summer are significant for several reasons. The bickering and noise level will decrease exponentially in my house. The begging for mid-week sleepovers and subsequent "sleepover hangovers" (aka "The Pre-Teen Bitch Wagon Excuse) will be gone. A regular schedule of sleeping and eating will resume and it will force me to go back to the gym immediately after kicking my youngest to the curb at elementary school at 8:50am. But most importantly, this means the cooling of temperatures and (hopefully) immediate cessation of the Slip and Slide's worth of inner thigh sweat I have been self-lubricating my body with since about April.
Traditionally summer is my most favorite season. I love a good tan, I adore vacation, I sleep in with abandon. This year, however, I feel that with a few teaser days of high temps even as far back as March, it has been summer hot for far too fucking long. I have been sweating like a French whore for months on end and I am over it. Anyone else? This is not to say I am craving bitter cold temps, chapped hands, or salt encrusting my boots and entryway. I would just enjoy a moment of wearing jeans, that's all.
There are different levels of sweating. There is sweating when you are engaged in a good workout. There is sweating when you are cooking in a hot kitchen. There is sweating when you are practicing self-control to not beat the shit out of your kids when they are acting like crackheads, wrestling and whining at the store. And there is the kind of sweat that happens when it has been The Summer of Death Heat for 5 months. This type of sweat is different than any other. It is lethal, it will cause ladies to perspire heavily in areas that are not very ladylike. It will cause wives to use their husband's deodorant because "lady strength" antiperspirants have pretty much said "Up yours!!" and ceased working, rendering your pits stinkier than an onion festival run by hippies who live in tents. But most importantly, it is the kind of sweat that makes your inner thighs slipperier than a jello wrestling contest.
I don't consider myself the sweatiest person in the world. There are no embarrassing photos of me pitting out with dark stains creeping from my armpits I try to hide from view at the holidays. I don't need to wear a bandanna or John McEnroe-style sweatband on my forehead to prevent sweat from blinding me while I workout (this could also signify laziness but I digress..). But when it is really, really hot, I sweat between my thighs. Call it TMI, just being real. And I know many of you ladies share this plight.
While on vacation recently, our family spent a LOT of time walking with no chance to cool off in a pool or air conditioning. We're talking like 6 hours in the peak heat (95-100 degrees in the blaring sun) walking. I would sit down for lunch (outside of course) and by the end of the meal the crease at my hips and the spot between my ass cheeks looked like I had been humping a wet sponge. WTF?? My inner thighs were so hot and wet it was all I could do not to buy a roll of paper towels and straddle it. Clearly the hand dryers in the bathroom were too high to hoist my glistening ass up to air out so I had to let the wind and time take its course. Back at the hotel room I knelt down to put some water bottles in our mini fridge and the profuse smell of onions blasted me in the face. I immediately thought the fridge was malfunctioning until I realized it was my inner thigh/vagina sweat situation which was causing said stench. The heat of this trip caused me to have to attend to my lady bits several times a day. For all the years I made fun of those Massengill Douche commercials and that "not so fresh feeling", I had officially become a bad cliche 80's commercial.
So summer, though it has been nice seeing you again, you have overstayed your welcome. I say to you in the kindest way, please fuck off already. I have run out of patience, paper towels, and underwear.
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