Hoarding

I love to buy new shit. I love to go shopping. I love new shoes, new clothes, new purses, new makeup, new seasonal mats for my doorstep, new crafts..... You get the gist. But along with the joy of purchasing new items comes the assumed task of ridding oneself of some older wares in the house. Certain folks have an easy time managing both responsibilities. Other people cannot balance both jobs and thus a resulting problem ensues: HOARDING.

I used to be a hoarder. I love to shop, as I said, but I used to just see the stuff accumulating and not really know what to do with the old stuff. So the piles just got bigger, my crap got out of control, and suddenly I had mountains of shoes and laundry and cat toys and panties and....Jesus, I can't even go on because it makes me break out in hives. I am better. I did not need a 12-step program. I simply went through moving from my house I lived in for 9 years into a new one. Having to pack all your bullshit into boxes and take it to a new, nicer, bigger place really makes you prioritize. I asked myself, "Do I really need this box of mix tapes from 1987?" Between a giant dumpster to toss crap (yes, we really did rent one..) and about 15 trips to Goodwill, our move was manageable. How did I get so much SHIT???

I happen to be married to a hoarder. I use this term with affection because we are certainly not living in the squalor of those poor people on the TLC show who actually cannot throw out old food containers and need to pee in their sinks because their toilet is covered with garage sale finds. But I will say that my husband loves to buy new stuff but also hates to get rid of anything old. "But I LIKE that shirt! It's a perfectly good pair of pants. Those shoes can be worn when I wash my car. That hard drive can be used for something." To this I say FUCK THAT SHIT. Just because a shirt has two armholes and a neck does not mean it should be seen in public. Sometimes food stains, pit stains, good ol' fashion sense, evolving technology, even damn common sense should outweigh the urge to hold on to old things. Throw it the hell out already.

I did some closet sorting this evening. I will clearly label all the items I have neatly folded and there will be rules. If the rules are not followed I will not be happy. If I am not happy... let's not go there. There is a pile of solid colored t-shirts. There are some t-shirts I will call "fashionable" meaning they would be acceptable to be worn out in public. There are long-sleeved shirts, sweatshirts, athletic clothing, and pajamas. There is a pile of at least 60 polo shirts. (By the way if anyone has the urge to buy him a polo shirt for his birthday or Father's Day, please stop yourself. I beg you.) And then there's the pile I shall refer to as "Not Allowed in Public" shirts. This includes various Star Wars t-shirts, Xbox t-shirts, Borat photos, old sports t-shirts, and shirts that say things like "Warning: Giant Penis". Not sure what inspired the purchase of that shirt because there is literally nowhere I would fucking allow that shit to be seen. It's funny, it's clever, it's something you take a pic of with your phone, send to your wife, then put it right back on the shelf. But I cannot get rid of the Giant Penis t-shirt because they certainly will not sell that at Goodwill. There is no Spencer's Gifts resale shop that I am aware of. And though my dear hubby would probably be unaware of me getting rid of many of his old things because the quantity of new stuff is so vast, an MIA report on the shirt referring to this massive dick would most certainly be issued. I have to run. I am going to put on my "Warning: Giant Bitch if You Think You'll Ever Get Some Wearing THAT" poncho.
P.S. Love you, honey.....