Etiquette in the Can

There is nothing worse than having to drop a deuce in public. Many people simply refuse to do this, unless imminent shit skids are merely seconds away. Usually most people are skilled in handling the sphincter control mechanism known as their asshole. I was not blessed with this gift.

I went shopping for toys for the girls today at Target. I found so many of the large items from their Christmas list that I got a tad excited. I did my skedaddle to the john and initially thought I was alone. Then I heard some sniffling and breathing. Normally this restroom is aflutter with activity of red-shirted staff members, mommies changing shitty diapers, and unruly kids making a mess in the handicapped sink. But here I stood with nothing to muffle my actions but an occassional sniff from my stallmate. God damnit, I was really pissed. I think this crybaby bitch was having a pity party for one in stall number four. So sorry your boyfriend, Ricky, won't accept that the baby is really his. Pull yourself together, get back to work, and next time keep your legs shut. I blew my nose, washed my hands, put on lipgloss, all actions used to try to disguise the inevitable launch. This sniveling bitch made no move. I opened the door and covered my seat with an inordinate amount of TP. Then I sat. And sat. And sat. I'm sorry but there is no way you can tackle the task at hand when there is no music, flushing from elsewhere, or even running water. So I tinkled three drops and washed my hands. I gave a Napolean Dynamite-esque "Gaaaawwwwsh!!" sigh so the little bitch who sabotaged my shit could hear me loud and clear.

I had to finish my trip all backed up, because now I had "missed my moment". I could no longer focus. I think I have discovered a potential career move for myself. Designing "frequent flyer" friendly bathrooms in places commonly shopped by victims of The Curse. I will play music that is relaxing, at a decible just loud enough to avoid detection of ensuing activities. I will periodically spritz a vanilla mint refresher into the air. I will have a background noise alternating between a waterfall and trickling rain. There will never be silence. And the stalls will reach to the floor so no one will ever be able to point to your shoes and label you the Guilty Shitter. A girl can dream, can't she?