I went to a hip hop dance performance downtown tonight. It was a pretty big deal, tickets sold through Ticketmaster, a real Chicago theater. A few of my fellow teachers performed and it was kick-ass. I learned a few things through observation...
*Just because you get there an hour and a half early, there will always be a ghetto ass group of jack-offs who weasel their way to the front of the line.
*If you bring your newborn baby, suddenly you can cut people in line AND score a ticket to a sold-out show.
*The IPhone is the shit to play with while you're waiting in line. It was like a damn commercial for that freakin' gadget with 25 people around me texting, calling, emailing, fucking around.
*Just because thy flash the lights in the lobby, you may very well be sitting on your ass for another 25 minutes before show time. Looks like I picked the wrong time to forget my king-sized box of Jujubes. Damn.
*A crowd of 800 people in a small small can place an inordinate amount of pressure up against your back and thighs when asked to wait long enough.
*A crowd of 800 people can make a wintry Chicago day feel like a steamy Amazon jungle when you are compressed like God damn sardines.
*800 people get really pissed and start acting like a mob scene when they stand still for too long. Yelling and chanting always puts a crowd tht large at ease. Hello,fire code violation!!!
*When the doors open for anything "general admission" you better be well-versed in handling crowds reminiscent of Walmart on Black Thursday because although you're not racing for one of 50 $100 DVD players, those seats are a hot commodity. You will get trampled and you might lose your wig if you hesitate for a second.
*Babies like hip hop. Remind me to krump like mad when I see a crying baby. The litter that sat in the audience kept quiet. Actually I think a few of the teenage moms might have snuck those shorties a sip of their Mad Dog 20/20 in line...
*Just because you are fat and have man boobs does not mean you can't break it down like Michael Jackson. There was one brotha' who was sweating like a pig but he knew what to do with that big booty!
*Skinny white girls can have mad skills on the dance floor.
*Just when you think you have seen the absolute hugest pair of hip-hop inspired pants, hold up! There's some even bigger ones! I think they wet to a hot air ballon supply store and just sewed a crotch into a couple without that big basket.
*People who videotape via their digital camera (even though you aren't supposed to) and yell, "Whoo hooo!!" should be castrated. Sir Genius Fucknuts crouched next to us, not realizing that when he plays this shit back all you will hear is his obnoxious yelling instead of the music his crotch-grabbing daughter is dancing to, camera-recorded 6 inches away from my ear. What would he have done had I chucked his $30 digital camera into the orchestra pit?
Going to the theater, whether it's for a movie, a concert, or a dance performance will expose you to people you wouldn't ordinarily hang out with. Even on a CTA bus during a train strike. But you have to play nice, wait patiently, bite your tongue when you want to ask who gave them the giant set of balls to think to bring their newborn baby, and sit your ass down. Relish the fact that SOMEONE will kick their ignorant ass someday, it just doesn't have to be you tonight. Care for a Junior Mint? Sshh! The show is about to finally start...
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