Thought Nobody Would Notice?

And the nominees for "Most Oblivious Celebrity Who Thought No One Was Looking" are.....

Michael Phelps!!! You thought that by being in Ann Arbor, Michigan and hanging out with a bunch of tokers everyone would "just be cool" and not take any photos. Holy shit were you HIGH to believe that crock! You are one of the most famous Olympic athletes EVER. You have millions of dollars in public endorsements. You are a role model to millions of KIDS all over the world. I hope that 30 minute buzz was worth it.

Alex Rodriguez!!! You are one of the prettiest baseball players around. Your social butterfly skills have made you quite a recognized face with the paparazzi. You have managed to circumvent Madonna's Kabbala chastity belt and tap that chiseled 50 plus year-old ass. My guess is that your "performance enhancing drugs" might include a little Viagra. You are an idiot. An idiot with perfectly curled eyelashes.... and you're A DUDE.

Chris Brown!!! You are young. You are one of the hottest young singers around. You are dating freakin' RIHANNA. You can dance like Michael Jackson. And something inside you snaps to the point where you beat up a girl?! REALLY? You are as dumb as your diamond stud earrings are gaudy as shit. And now you will be going to jail. You'll be doing a whole lot of that freaky Michael Jackson freaky crotch-grab in prison. A heeee heeee heeeeee! (That's the sound effect of his voice...)

My vote is for Chris Brown. You can only say "allegedly" so many times, dude. Such a shame but this seems to be a pattern with celebrities who've had some serious time in the spotlight. I am bad-ass. I am going to party. I am going to not play by the rules so I can be a winner (which makes you a loser..). I'm going to slap my woman around and leave marks on her because I'm a big tough man who enjoys dominating women. Classy, real classy.

Michael Phelps, the only reason you will ever get laid is because you have more gold bling than P. Diddy. Your mouth is more jacked up than Elliot Yamin before that dentist donated those piano keys which are now his teeth. You can't even talk right. Maybe instead of spending all that time at the pool or in the dorms sparking a big fatty, you could have been put on a payment plan at House of Orthodontics. Fangle-toothed mother fucker.

A-Rod, your skin is caramel-icious. You probably wear foundation. You dress like a pimp. You think we don't know you were banging the Material Girl? You HAD to take steroids to actually hold that bat. Fuck, what if you broke one of those freshly manicure nails!! The horror!!

I am disappointed but glad I am thus far a non-famous person in the suburban streets of mid-West America. If I become famous I vow to smoke crack only in the privacy of my own john, take steroids ONLY when I need to look ripped for the Miss Cougar USA pageant, but I will never beat up on my man. I might slap my cats around a bit but who doesn't want to slap a disobedient pussy now and then? They are annoying and bulimic, probably like Rihanna. Ohhhhh, I WENT there!!!!