I consider myself a trendy mom. I try to adapt to changes in the fashion world within reason. If I can find it in a non-Junior size and I don't look like a matronly frump, I'll wear it. There are certain restrictions I have though. I will never, ever wear acid wash again. It looked like shit on my zip-ankle, tapered 1988 Guess jeans so I'm sure it won't look any more appealing now. I will never bring back the Miami Vice shoulder pads.I looked like I was smuggling waffles in my shirt during the 80's. I will not wear a bubble skirt because it looks like Stevie Wonder altered the hem of my dress with rubber gloves on his hands. Jelly shoes are also taboo. They made my feet sweaty, slippery, and covered with blisters. I don't care if Prada or Gucci comes out with them, the only jellies I will have in my life belong on my English muffin.
The trend nowadays is steering strongly towards hip hop-influenced style. Baggy pants, crazy colored basketball shoes (called "dunks"), retro logo t-shirts, and raggedy scarves strewn haphazardly around the neck. A big part of the look consists of sweat pants. To make this look super authentic you can pull one leg up to your calf (does right leg up mean something different that left???) and even pull one or both pockets inside out, left to hang like a limp dick. Sweat pants suck. If you are a hip hop dancer or a teen then more power to yo' hip hop ass. I do not enjoy how I look or feel in sweatpants. Recently I was given a pair as part of promotional wear for a big show my dance company (I teach for them, I don't dance anymore). I tried them on, tried pulling and folding and layering but nothing I did made me feel dope or cool or kickin'. I looked like a dumpy mom trying to pull off a really bad look.
Sweat pants make me feel like I just shit my pants. I cannot imagine any other reason why one would need a crotch to reach down just above your knees. If you have panties full of dung maybe you need that extra room to hang. I am hoping I never need a colostomy bag but I sure as shit know what I will be wearing. Extra-large men's sweatpants. I will wear sweat pants if I am cleaning my house, freezing my ass off and ready for bed, or have a raging case of the flu--probably with the shits. Sweats are very conducive for easy on/easy off activities. I know that sounds sort of sexual but trust me, no one ever got a piece of ass due to their baggy sexiness from a pair of sweats. I am the antithesis of sexy in sweat pants. If skinny jeans are Cameron Diaz or Jessica Alba then sweat pants are Rosanne Barr or Wynona Judd. NOT fucking sexy. I think a horny 18 year-old virgin on 2 hits of Ecstasy would decline some tail donned in some slouchy-ass cotton/poly shit bags with elasticized ankles.
I have a host of young teens who try to convince me, "Miss Molly!! Yes you CAN pull off sweat!! You look so cool in them!" But I know as soon as I turn down the hall to exit the building they are thinking, "Is it just me or did Miss Molly smell like dookie? I think she crapped herself in class! Not that you could even tell in those spaz-a-licious pants she can't pull off. What a douche rag.."
Now where is my neon Benetton sweater and hot pink leggings?
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