Boots-nami

A tsunami is a surge of water that overtakes land very suddenly. In my closet I experience a similar sort of tsunami almost daily during the cold-weather months. Except the surge that overtakes me is not water, it is my collection of boots. Those who know me are aware of my addiction to shoes. Living in a climate which is cold approximately 327 days a year forces me to often times choose boots for my feet. Shoe addiction plus nipple erection-inducing cold equals a prolific assortment of knee high, suede, leather, ankle, lace-up, all terrain, black, brown, tan, snakeskin, purple, grey, fur-trimmed, and patent leather boots. I have this boot assortment stacked haphazardly on a top shelf probably originally designed for sweaters and jeans. Because of my innate lack or organization, this collection is like a pile of Jenga blocks, each boot potentially ready to topple off the shelf. When I pull a single boot out, ever-so-carefully, guess how I lose in the game of Boot Jenga? When a God damn heavy boot catapults down into my fucking forehead, that's how. Do you know how that hurts? Go back and read "Aunt Jemima is a Vicious Bitch" from January 31, 2008 to get an idea.. IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE A BITCH! Today I got bitch-slapped by a chunky-heeled tan son-of-a-bitch that missed my right eye by 1/2 inch. And yes, I swore really, really loud. I felt like I just got into a bar fight with some redneck twat doing the two-step. Dirty whore. Last week my dark brown suede Uggs hitch-kicked me in the middle of my cheek, like an angry vegan who saw you take the last container of hemp milk from Whole Foods. Fucking hippie. Perhaps I should arrange my collection of soft rubber Adidas sneakers or even lightweight flats up there so the shower of shoes doesn't hurt so much. Can you press charges of domestic abuse towards your own closet? I am sad today is still so cold and snowy. I have to find my bike helmet now because I am craving those snakeskin high heeled numbers that will try to puncture my head like hooker meth addict on parole. My closet is overcome by a BOOTS-NAMI.......