The Blind Guy?! Seriously???

I am watching my Tivo'd results show for American Idol. I am taking much issue with things tonight, not sure why. If you don't watch the show then this will not be funny. Suck it, I am addicted to two things right now: carbs and reality tv. It ain't pretty.
God damn there were some drunk people dialing last night. It came close to one of my faves being voted off. Too close for my taste. Let me analyze some tidbits for you..

Joss Stone was like liquid sex on her slinky dress and bluesy voice. Then Smokey Robinson came out. Oh shit. Did they forget to turn off his mike? Because he SUCKED. And the freaky green cat's eye contacs you wear aren't fooling me. You hair looks like my dog's turds. You are apparently getting the same hair advice as Stevie Wonder. His hair is a woven, 1/2 bald braid-halo. What the fuck?! At least he has an excuse---he's fucking BLIND!!!! Let's get back on the blind wagon. (Kinda' like a band wagon but you can't see shit...) The blind dude, Scott McIntire, just plain sucks. His hair looks like cotton candy in the spotlight. Please don't back light this dude anymore. I swear to God if he started singing the "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air!.." theme from "The Greatest American Hero" I would fully piss my pants. When he was in the bottom three then declared safe by ass puppet, American Boy Doll, Ryan Seacrest, I was shocked. He had that goofy grin on his face and they panned to his family. This is harsh but he's just getting the blind dude pity vote. C'mon, you KNOW I'm right.

Danny Gokey is a frontrunner in my book. If he doesn't win it he surely will prosper from his contract with For Eyes. He has a new pair of avant-garde, "I'm-funky-fresh-but-not-gay-cause-I-was-married-but-my-wife-is-dead" glasses each and every night. It's all good, he's a great singer but he gets the bonus widower pity votes, too. Score for Danny.

Megan Joy is having acid flashbacks when she gyrates her hips and flails her arms like a salmon swimming upstream. Can we get this bitch a Xanax to chill the fuck out? Maybe she forgot about the bullet vibrator in her twat. That would explain the spaz dance moves. She is gorgeous, I'll give her that. Her eclectic voice and giant arm-sleeve tattoo say "I'm-a-bad-ass-bitch-single-mom" but I still think she's a rebel Mormon straight off the compound. Better start singing better, Horny Twist, or it's back to Utah with your sister wives.

Anoop Desai freaks me out. He has the voice of a 300-pound black man. But he is a skinny Indian dude with a big schnoz. His parents are like pigs in shit when he performs. It's sort of endearing. But I know they are hoping he makes it so he doesn't have to go back to working in that cubicle answering the help line for Dell. Tandoori Boy isn't gonna last.

Speaking of 300 (or more like 450....) pound black men, Ruben Studdard was there in a very large pimp suit. You can wear black all you want, Ruben, it's never gonna make you look smaller. His voice was decent enough but I have never seen a man bust out with dripping sweat faster than him. Was he afraid someone was going to steal his chicken and waffles from the catering table? He wasn't even to the chorus and it was as if he was wearing a cheap skull cap that is meant to shoot blood in a straight-to-video horror flick. Fatty Pimp Boy was blind with perspiration and looking for a towel (and his waffles) when he was done.

Kris Allen (I know your birth certificate says your name with a "C" so you're really not clever) has spiky porcupine hair and a goofy smile. Michael Sarver (bye bye) is a roughneck when he's not singing country. What the fuck? Sounds like a burly guy who passes out towels and hand jobs at the Manhole. Lil Rounds...I like you but your name is kinda gay. Matt Giraud, I think you are an amazing singer and performer and I like you even more because you are from Michigan. But can you please get that random mole-that-looks-like-a-boil removed from your forehead? No one has a zit that lasts 8 weeks. It distracts me. It's like a third eye. Adam Lambert will be in the top three. I'll bet money on it. I think he is trying really, really hard to be the borderline hardcore rocker with his painted black nails and multiple black plug earrings. But if his hair wasn't shellac black licorice he could pull off a surfer boy blonde, too. Maybe one who dabbles in a wee bit of heroin judging by that complexion. Pro Active, I smell a free sample!!!! I am rooting for little Allison Iraheta. The burgundy hair might throw ya but damn, that big-nosed Brazilian can SING. She reminds me of Kelly Clarkson in the booty department. Maybe she'll take it all, who knows.

I just hope there is a malfunction with braille phones next week. I can't take hearing the Greatest American hero singing "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie or a Phil Collins medley on that God damn piano one more second. I will stick a fork in my eye if he makes it through again. Hmm, maybe not. Then some asshole might start styling my hair and suddenly I'm Molly Wonder..