Pubescape

It is plain ugly outside. There is nothing about this time of year that is pretty or breathtaking or lovely. The grass is exposed, all yellowish brown from months of cold and snow. The branches on the trees are barren, like scraggly pubes poking out from lack of trimming beneath a bathing suit being tried on about this time of year. It is a dead landscape out there. I am sick and tired of bitching about being cold. But I am sick and tired of being fucking COLD! I am cold when I wake up so I put on a robe. I let the water in my shower run for a long time to ensure I am not cold. I dry myself off inside my shower so I don't freeze. I put my giant fleece robe on before I even put lotion on because I am damn cold. My hands are cracked and my fingertips look like I got in a scuffle with my garbage disposal. I have said it before but I will say it again, FUCK THIS WINTER BULLSHIT!!!

I do not ski or snowboard. If I ever go ice skating it is at an inside rink for maybe 1 1/2 hours. There are no hills to sled on in Illinois, at least not like I remember from my days of youth in Michigan. If the kids want to play outside in the snow and it's not negative 20 degrees out (yes, we've had that this year. Fucking whore, Mother Nature...), I will make sure I can see them all bundled in their snowsuits from my kitchen door. I am not a winter outdoorsy gal. I loathe being cold. As much as a nice pair of boots and a sweater dress is sleek and sexy I would much prefer a swimsuit or a funky maxi dress with sandals ANY day. I am done, winter. DONE. Please say your goodbyes and exit the premises. You are no longer welcome in my neighborhood.

If I didn't have so many connections here I think moving to a warm area of the United States would be a no brainer. Can we all please make a pact? If you think winter sucks ass as much as I do, let's make a little list. If we get everyone to agree, we can all pick a warm place to live and MOVE THERE. We'll all be happy, we can set up our own little commune. Think of how HAPPY we'll be! We will annoy all the locals because of our shit-eating, "thank-the-fucking-Lord-we're-outta'-that-bullshit-coldness" grins. I'm in, who's with me? God damn-it all my nose is running, I have to go. Where's my Snuggie?