Fishes, Bitches, and a One-Armed Man

I "slept" over at the Shedd Aquarium last night with my daughter's Brownie troop. We brought air mattresses, jammies, pillows, snacks, and toothbrushes to have a big slumber party with scores of other scouts. It was a gay ol' time. We dragged our shit into the lobby, checked in with the throngs, then dragged it to our assigned sleeping area where we would later unfold it all for a night of very little sleep. We were assigned to the Caribbean Reef. Just like the real Caribbean but no resort, swimsuits, fruity beverages with tequila, and your kids are not home with your parents. They are pawing at your leg for a fruit snack and a $35 stuffed manta ray from the gift shop.

We were given our purple sheet with the evening's activities and off we went. It's not easy to keep track of 6 giggly, running, moody, hungry, and excitable 5-9 year-olds with the attention span of a gnat on meth. So I solved that problem by losing my youngest at least 4 times. You can look a 6 year-old in the face, tell them you are moving on to the frog exhibit, and even point them where it will be but the crazy-ass seahorses will win their attention over you in a nano-second. Distracted 6 year-old plus 100's of screaming Girl Scouts plus Mommy nowhere in sight equals plenty of tears, hysteria, and dirty looks from "I've better than you because I've never lost MY child like that" parents. Lying sacks of shit.

We were never informed we would be receiving a tasty and delicious dinner---because we weren't. We got iceberg lettuce chunks, rubbery chicken tenders that resembled dolphin fins, and mushy macaroni and cheese that was clearly from a clearance sale on frozen Stouffer's dinners from Aldi. In the words of Rachael Ray, YUM-O. As I scanned the room for a free table, my gaze fell upon an ironic sight. A chipper older man in his blue staff t-shirt, directing kids to various exhibits...with his one good arm. He was missing his forearm just below the elbow on his left arm. I almost called him Captain Stubby but thought better of it. I found it completely hilarious that a one-armed man was pointing kids in the direction of the shark tank. I kept a wary eye on him for two reasons. One, I could easily con him into whipping up a saucy tail of high jinks at sea where a whopper of a storm produced a torrent of rain and a 16-foot shark named Killer should my kids need some intervention with public misbehavior. Two, he just creeped me out. I expected him to sidle up behind me and yell, "Arghhh!!" in my ear. Shiver me timbers.

We meandered through the Amazon, past the sea horses, by the frogs, jellyfish, and sea urchins. There were kids, mostly girls, and moms and dads accompanying their youngins'. That's right, I said DADS. Which made me wonder, why the hell are the MOMS going through this little charade of "fun" every year?! Next years it's dads on deck and the moms are hitting the bars. The dads were milling around, some in leather jackets (I think the Fonz was there), most clinging to cups of coffee. Many looked awkward and lost because let's face it, when your daughter is 9 years-old, she might not want to hold your hand to drag you to see the starfish. We saw a diver swim with the 100's of fish, sting rays, and a turtle named Nickel in the giant central Caribbean tank. Kids were swarming to get closer like flies on shit. Apparently the Girl Scout values go right down the shitter when there's something good to see and little kids are in the way. Trample them, I need to take a grainy picture with my disposable camera and no flash!!!

When we had successfully navigated through all the fish frolics and few activities, it was time to set up camp, so to speak, to sleep. We had initially placed our gear along a wall but were pointed to where a clearly labeled sign was posted with our troop number on it. Problem was, another troop had dropped their stuff in our spot. When informed of the problem, leader Fatty McFuck Douche decided to be confrontational. Her kids were clearly 7th and 8th graders. Our kids are 3rd graders, for cripes sake. Be a little courteous. She argued she didn't see the sign. Staff informed her it was posted at 5pm. She said her kids were falling asleep and couldn't move now though when the Shedd staff left our debacle they sprinted for the snack station. At this point my oldest, who currently wants to be a marine biologist and has written a newspaper article and two expository papers on coral reefs, was in tears because she was going to sleep in the hall by the fucking elevators. Not by the Troop 985 assigned space of the Caribbean coral reef and aquatic life tank. Next to the fucking elevators. Fatty McFuck Douche and her sidekick, Snatch-Face NeverBeenLaid alternated between giving us surly looks and averting our eyes as they passed us with their hand-painted, way-too-tight t-shirts in the hall. I wanted to take a dump on Porky's pillow but she's probably mistake it for a brownie. Then I thought I'd puncture her air mattress and cause a small leak. Then I saw the size of her double-wide booty and decided the mattress never stood a chance even without a pin prick.I vocalized loudly how much I enjoyed "MY LOVELY ELEVATOR VIEW SLEEPING ARRANGEMENT THOUGH BEING NEXT TO SOME FISH SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE" every time they passed. Talk about teaching your Girl Scout troop the wrong values. I still know my Girl Scout Oath. I don't quote it often but I am pretty sure Fatty's troop had their own special version....

On my (questionable whenever I may or may not feel like it) honor, I will (perhaps if there's someone important looking to witness it) try, to serve God, my country, and to help make 8 year-olds cry when I act selfish and un-Girl Scout-like...oh and all people at all times, and to sort of live by the Girl Scout Law. Unless there's a better place to sleep and I am bigger, fatter, and my troop leader is a bigger bitch and can bully their way out of an assigned sleeping position.

I should have gotten that damn one-armed man to try to spoon her. He likes whales and I'm sure he'd try to show her his Moby Dick. I know it might be a first for her.