How Was I Supposed to Know?

What kind of a raging dumbass is so completely stupid that they have no idea that they are pregnant? I'll tell you what kind of dumbass. The kind who ends up on the TLC show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". And this is not a one-time occurrence, there are plenty of these bitches who go the full nine months, supposedly symptom-free, and then--SURPRISE!!!! Pop a kid out of their super-shocked pussy. Seriously??

One particular dumb twat was camping with her boyfriend and thought she had to take a dump so she basically crapped her baby out onto the floor of a campsite bathroom, giving the baby a fucking contusion. Lemme get this straight, you didn't think that the "slight" bulge in your belly was perhaps odd? Or were you so blimp-a-tronic fat already that you thought it was an undigested 7-layer burrito? And the whole no period thing, little red flag? Your tits are engorged like a porn star? You are eating pickle and banana sandwiches. Did you think you were just turning white trash or were you already? No nausea, you didn't feel the alien-like kicking in your gut? How about having to piss like you've held it all night playing beer pong at a frat party? No? Really? Because you are either the dumbest sack of shit or a total liar.

Some things I can understand in life when people claim, "I never knew!" Like,"Geez, I was married for 14 years and I thought hating sex with my husband was normal. Then I met Pat at an Indigo Girls concert. Now we have the best sex ever with our friend, Mr. Rambone, and we wear matching biker jackets". Cool, you never knew you liked pussy till you tried it. I GET it. I suppose you might say the same if you've never tried Indian food or parasailing or even having sex doggy-style. You might never know these things until you try them on for size. But unless you literally were born under a rock, lived on a deserted island with one boy, Brooke Shields-style like in The Blue Lagoon, diddled each other like wild monkeys while speaking your own made-up language, and suddenly 9 months or so later, popped a crying creature out of your pussy, then you have no excuse.

There are some really, REALLY stupid people in this world. People who think they can get away with murder, lie, cheat, steal, tell friends their tits are real, or that their mortgage is paid off and they are debt-free, insist they are natural blonds, that they are so skinny from good metabolism and not bulimia. I suppose if you actually believe strongly enough you just might sound convincing. But getting knocked up and not realizing you are PREGNANT? That's some crazy shit only the freak ass family whose son floated away in that balloon might pull. And when on national TV that kid barfed he was so jacked from his parents making him lie.

This other unknowing mother insisted, "I've never had regular periods."
So for 9 1/2 fucking months of no bleeding you thought it was a mere fluke?
"I've always had a bit of a tummy."
You are 279 pounds, my dear Pooch Pussy. Have you even SEEN your own pussy, by the way?
"I thought I just had really bad gas."
Unless you ate a bamboo tree, a live spider monkey, and a 3-month supply of Turbo Lax, "gas pains" will never equal the feelings of a human BABY moving in your uterus.
"My husband had a vasectomy."
Till you porked Tyrone, the UPS man.....
"I thought I was retaining some water in my breasts."
Honey, if that were the case Victoria's Secret would be selling bags of extra salty potato chips so we could all grow ginormo jugs to fill out our DD bras without spending $10,000 at the plastic surgeon.
"I almost always feel a little nauseous in the morning."
Of course, because you are a drunk who favors Jaeger bombs and beer bongs. It's called a HANGOVER. Congrats, your surprise baby is going to pop out with antlers and a second tongue.
"The exhaustion was pretty normal to me."
Unless you have narcolepsy, you probably have never been this tired before. Unless you're the "nauseous" drunk gutter trash from above.
"I've always has weird food cravings."
An entire loaf of Wonder bread, olive tapenade, and melted butterscotch chip topping is NOT normal.
"I didn't know I was in labor because I didn't feel any contractions."
Unless you are able to give yourself your very own spontaneous epidural, trust me, you KNOW when a contraction is happening. It's like a tickle from SATAN!

The shock value of this reality show, though poorly re-enacted since who would have time to charge the battery of their fucking camcorder because they didn't KNOW a baby was about to come, is priceless. It sucks me in with the audacity of these imbecile people. You have sex and no matter what you think is "typical", you can STILL get knocked up and have a baby. Please keep making these fucking fascinating shows about losers, TLC. It makes me happy to know I am a genius.

A Privileged Life

To those of you in this world who can afford a gardener, lawncare professional, person to snow blow your driveway in blustery weather, a maid, a cook, a nanny, a housekeeper, a chauffeur, an interior designer, even a fucking artist commissioned especially for you, be fucking grateful. I am not talking someone who works their ass off and NEEDS a person to watch their children, call it a daycare provider, nanny, babysitter, what-have-you. I'm talking people whose lives are so comfortable that these little luxuries are taken for granted. So kindly shut your mouth around me if you want to complain about these hired "servants". It is rude, arrogant, and I will punch you.

I have lived in the mid-West my entire life. I should be used to snow by now. I still lose my mind and bitch incessantly every single year about this time because I am fucking DONE with snow and cold and runny noses and salt ruining my floor in my foyer. Kindly fuck off, winter. You are a cold cunt who is more pointless that the movie, "House Bunny". As I shoveled my driveway and sidewalk for what will probably be the first of several times I do it today, I was thinking of people who have no grip on reality and have people hired to do every God damn little thing except for maybe wiping their own ass. Though I'm guessing for the right price someone would do that, too. I think everyone should go out in this mother-fucking snow shit storm and shovel for at least 45 minutes. I don't fucking care if you have a bad back, heart condition, knee replacements, or ride a God damn Rascal. It is hard as hell work. My back hurts like a mother, I pulled some muscle in my neck and shoulder from dance a few days ago, but I do not have the MONEY to hire a little man to do this for me. So rather than have my kids trudge through a foot of snow, I do this for them. I guess this is common sense for me. I have no choice.

I am not talking those who lead a privileged life in Hollywood royalty. Those with trust funds and money to blow on BLOW and Grey Goose and bottle service and Gucci pumps. These 20-something douche bags make me crazy, too. But I guess if you're born into that shit you don't stand a chance of grasping any reality on real work ethic or hardships. But the petty incessant bitching about trials and tribulations of these people you have extra money to hire.... makes me livid. Guess what? I would LOVE to have enough extra cash flowing from my own ass to hire a chef to grocery shop for me and cut my fruits and veggies and prepare nutritionally balanced meals with portion control. I would LOVE to have a maid to dust my blinds, clean my toilets, scrub my floors, and do my dishes. But I only have ME to do this. So my floors are not spotlessly clean. My blinds will always be a little dusty. My carpet has juice spills and a few dog piss stains that even with my best on-your-knees scrub fest have not been able to remove. I would LOVE to afford all hard wood flooring, granite counter tops, all new stainless steel Viking appliances, a bigger house, a weekly masseuse, a boat, a person to trim my flower beds, weed my lawn, and prune my bushes--the ones in my yard AND my panties. But until I discover the magic tree that grows fucking hundred dollar bills or we win the Mega Millions, it ain't going to fucking happen. So if you are blessed to afford any of these things, and I know many of you are, just be appreciative. I bet some of you worked hard to get these things. Just don't take it for granted. because a person who is not humble or appreciative is really fucking ugly and miserable to be around. By the way, if you want to install hardwood floors and granite countertops in my kitchen, I will build a shrine to you in my bedroom and paint a 6-foot painting of your ass to kiss to show my appreciation.

I am blessed to have a husband who works his ASS OFF despite many, many hardships hat have been totally unnecessary in his life that would have brought an ordinary man down. His hard work provides me with the ability to stay at home with my children. I appreciate the fact have a warm home, money to buy food for my family, a car to drive, and gas to put in it. I am blessed to be able to have medical care to take care of my family when we are sick. I have a nice, comfortable life. I do not take ANYTHING I have for granted. Think about it people. Be grateful for what you have and aside from winter, shut your fucking mouth about the little shit. Does it really matter in the big scheme of things????? Ingrates fucking piss me off.