How Was I Supposed to Know?

What kind of a raging dumbass is so completely stupid that they have no idea that they are pregnant? I'll tell you what kind of dumbass. The kind who ends up on the TLC show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". And this is not a one-time occurrence, there are plenty of these bitches who go the full nine months, supposedly symptom-free, and then--SURPRISE!!!! Pop a kid out of their super-shocked pussy. Seriously??

One particular dumb twat was camping with her boyfriend and thought she had to take a dump so she basically crapped her baby out onto the floor of a campsite bathroom, giving the baby a fucking contusion. Lemme get this straight, you didn't think that the "slight" bulge in your belly was perhaps odd? Or were you so blimp-a-tronic fat already that you thought it was an undigested 7-layer burrito? And the whole no period thing, little red flag? Your tits are engorged like a porn star? You are eating pickle and banana sandwiches. Did you think you were just turning white trash or were you already? No nausea, you didn't feel the alien-like kicking in your gut? How about having to piss like you've held it all night playing beer pong at a frat party? No? Really? Because you are either the dumbest sack of shit or a total liar.

Some things I can understand in life when people claim, "I never knew!" Like,"Geez, I was married for 14 years and I thought hating sex with my husband was normal. Then I met Pat at an Indigo Girls concert. Now we have the best sex ever with our friend, Mr. Rambone, and we wear matching biker jackets". Cool, you never knew you liked pussy till you tried it. I GET it. I suppose you might say the same if you've never tried Indian food or parasailing or even having sex doggy-style. You might never know these things until you try them on for size. But unless you literally were born under a rock, lived on a deserted island with one boy, Brooke Shields-style like in The Blue Lagoon, diddled each other like wild monkeys while speaking your own made-up language, and suddenly 9 months or so later, popped a crying creature out of your pussy, then you have no excuse.

There are some really, REALLY stupid people in this world. People who think they can get away with murder, lie, cheat, steal, tell friends their tits are real, or that their mortgage is paid off and they are debt-free, insist they are natural blonds, that they are so skinny from good metabolism and not bulimia. I suppose if you actually believe strongly enough you just might sound convincing. But getting knocked up and not realizing you are PREGNANT? That's some crazy shit only the freak ass family whose son floated away in that balloon might pull. And when on national TV that kid barfed he was so jacked from his parents making him lie.

This other unknowing mother insisted, "I've never had regular periods."
So for 9 1/2 fucking months of no bleeding you thought it was a mere fluke?
"I've always had a bit of a tummy."
You are 279 pounds, my dear Pooch Pussy. Have you even SEEN your own pussy, by the way?
"I thought I just had really bad gas."
Unless you ate a bamboo tree, a live spider monkey, and a 3-month supply of Turbo Lax, "gas pains" will never equal the feelings of a human BABY moving in your uterus.
"My husband had a vasectomy."
Till you porked Tyrone, the UPS man.....
"I thought I was retaining some water in my breasts."
Honey, if that were the case Victoria's Secret would be selling bags of extra salty potato chips so we could all grow ginormo jugs to fill out our DD bras without spending $10,000 at the plastic surgeon.
"I almost always feel a little nauseous in the morning."
Of course, because you are a drunk who favors Jaeger bombs and beer bongs. It's called a HANGOVER. Congrats, your surprise baby is going to pop out with antlers and a second tongue.
"The exhaustion was pretty normal to me."
Unless you have narcolepsy, you probably have never been this tired before. Unless you're the "nauseous" drunk gutter trash from above.
"I've always has weird food cravings."
An entire loaf of Wonder bread, olive tapenade, and melted butterscotch chip topping is NOT normal.
"I didn't know I was in labor because I didn't feel any contractions."
Unless you are able to give yourself your very own spontaneous epidural, trust me, you KNOW when a contraction is happening. It's like a tickle from SATAN!

The shock value of this reality show, though poorly re-enacted since who would have time to charge the battery of their fucking camcorder because they didn't KNOW a baby was about to come, is priceless. It sucks me in with the audacity of these imbecile people. You have sex and no matter what you think is "typical", you can STILL get knocked up and have a baby. Please keep making these fucking fascinating shows about losers, TLC. It makes me happy to know I am a genius.