Wanna Buy My Shit?

When the fuck did schools and kids' organizations become a festering pool of fundraising hell?? I was a Girl Scout, I had to sell cookies. But I'll be God-damned if there's not another order form or prize brochure or "permission to sell" document I'm supposed to sign every week. I am not exactly shitting out money but we are doing okay for ourselves. If you need some funds for PTA or Girl Scouts or field trips, just ask me for the fucking twenty or fifty bucks you REALLY need instead of dragging me through this cluster fuck?!

The number one problem I have with this process is the luring of the young children with an assembly. For the school fundraiser, the kids are shown how they can win an Ipod, a flat-screen TV, hell, even an electric guitar!!!!! Do you know how much shit you have to sell to earn an ELECTRIC GUITAR?! About $2000 in wrapping paper, folks. Santa doesn't need that much fucking wrapping paper. And the merchandise is mediocre candy in small cardboard "tins", shitty jewelry made in China, paperback crock pot cook books, random kitchen gadgetry I have seen at the dollar store, and oodles, and OODLES of gift wrap. For every 5 items your kid sells, they get this little rubber duckie on a lanyard necklace. The ducks are all different and like Silly Bands, are like CRACK when your child in jonesing for one. I have two children and several other things I am REQUIRED to sell through scouts and dance. So school fundraiser--suck my hairy stink star.

I also am selling Yankee Candles for my older daughter's outdoor education field trip in the spring.. The actual cost of the field trip is $35. So let me get this straight, I have to sell these giant candles for $23 bucks apiece and then deliver them? Awesome. Here's thirty five dollars. It's all in pennies because I saved them from my couches from our move. Bite me, Yankee Candle.

Pretty soon I need to sell cookie dough for BOTH of my daughters, who have made their competitive dance team. Yippee fucking skippy. It's yummy, it's even good raw from the tub. It does make great cookies. But my kids are pretty busy, between school, hip hop, jazz, ballet, two dance company classes, religious education, AND Girl Scouts. This leaves the "selling" part up to me. My family does not live close by. I cannot mail raw cookie dough. My chest freezer can only hold so much dough. Every other kid involved in dance in the state is selling cookie dough. Am I going to come to your front door and do the splits to buy some of mine? Hell to the no. Facebook will be my selling tool. If you like cookie dough, you know where to find me.

Girl Scout cookie season is also almost upon us, beginning in November. Again, let me remind you, I have TWO Girl Scouts. That's double the Do-si-dos and Thin Mints. We often get relegated into the Loser Cookie Sales Hall of Fame--with so few options to sell to, so many fundraisers, and so little time, it is a miracle if each kid sells 50 boxes. Moms should get a God damn badge for selling. Or at least a martini. I love me some Girl Scout cookies but holy shit, I can only freeze and pack my face with so many a year. And Isabella's troop is required to sell "fall product" which translates into, oh goody gumdrops, magazine subscriptions and MORE candy!!! Please someone just hit me over the head when this bullshit is over. And if you need Christmas ideas, a shitty rubber duck on a lanyard will be a big hit.