If It Taint Broke, Don't Fix It

It is getting close to the time of year for my annual check-up. You know, ladies: the cold duck bill, legs in stirrups, "where-the-hell-is-my-martini-before-you-do-that-to-me?" visit. I do not enjoy this visit, the mere thought causes me to cramp up and have to use the bathroom. I do not mind the chest groping. My boobs are so melon-tastic that my kids find it frequently entertaining to poke them, punch them, head butt them, or "accidentally" bump into them. They are kind of hard to miss so I get it... I DO however mind the crotch probing that occurs at said annual visit. For the guys, imagine getting a tiny mascara brush shoved inside the tip of your penis. It is not "a little tickle". It fucking hurts.

My apprehension is double this year due to my experience with a different OB/GYN last year. I've never had a male doctor, not that I find it unnerving or creepy. I just have always had women. This guy walks in an immediately starts cracking jokes and swearing. I immediately like him because a doctor who can say "shit" in front of a patient is cool in my book. I assume the position in the stirrups. Ugh. I hate this part.. Upon cold duck bill insertion, I hear an audible, "Hhhmm.." Not good. I know I trimmed up my lady business so he can't possibly be having a hard time in the would-be jungle of my hairless poonani.
"Did you know you have an uneven vagina?"
"Huh?.."
I assume my ears are not functioning due to the anxiety attack I am having.
"Did you have an episiotomy or tear at all when you had your babies?"
"Well yes, both, actually."
"Well whoever did it did not do a very good job or stitching you up.... Or you just didn't heal well."
Great, just when I am feeling most vulnerable about having my tuna taco 6 inches from a new male doctor's face, he rips on my pussy symmetry. Looks like my days as a vagina model are over. Fuck me.

"Well there are things we can do to fix it. You can have surgery to cut out the uneven scar, then it will be even and tighter."
"Ohhh..." I think pensively for a moment.
..Hold up here, you are saying the tiny little scar that is a battle wound from two nearly 9-pound babies ripping me in two is unattractive? Well who the hell really gives a shit anyways?! You want me to go under the knife, essentially giving me ANOTHER episiotomy with no baby about to shoot out? I am not flashing my taint to the world, screaming, "Look at how even my scar is!! Aren't you jealous?!" Really now..
"Won't that be painful?" I ask.
"Not really, you just have to lay off activities for about 6 weeks."
"You mean my husband has to lay off for 6 weeks.."
"Well there are other things you can do.."
Listen here, Doctor Pussy 90210, I am not getting plastic surgery on my cooch, I am not giving my husband blow jobs for 6 weeks, and I am not modeling for Taint-Tastic MILFS Magazine. If it taint broke.......