Pet Names

Do you have any special names you call your sweetie? Have you named your penis and ask that your girlfriend address it as a separate entity? Do you tend to use raunchier names after you've had a few shots of tequila? Do you have special names for your wife or mother-in-law that you only use around your buddies? Sure, I'm guessing you answered yes to a few of these.

I call Sultan "honey" a lot. My mom and dad refer to each other this way and have for as long as I can remember. Now they choose more savory options, such as "mother fuckin' cocksucker" or "bitch hag". But when you have been married since before there was electricity, you'd get tired of "honey", too.

Some of my favorite terms of endearment are ...
Fuckface
Love of My Life
Dill-Hole
Sweetie Pie
Cocksucker
My One True Love
Douche Bag
Prince Charming
Douche Cock
My Best Friend
Sweet Tits
Sweetheart
Long Balls
Princess
Hairy Ass Mother Fucker
Ball and Chain
Twat
Cunt Wad
Raging Bitch
Shit Bag
My Reason for Living
Skank Ass Ho
Pig Fucker
Fat-Ass Bitch
My Dream Come True
The Reason Why I Drink
The Reason Why Our Kids Are Ugly
Lovey Cakes
Butta Face
Gorgeous
Drink You Pretty
Should've Been Aborted....

See how many Hallmark cards missed their mark? I could tap into an entirely different market here. Like the Shoebox Greetings line but it would be "Say What You're REALLY Fucking Thinking!" You could save yourself from wasting an e-mail or from merely thinking about that person who holds such strong meaning in your life. I know some of you will get to thinking about this but....aren't there a few people in your life to that you HAVE to be cordial to but you really can't fucking stand them? Their social retardation is so off the charts that there is no possible way you could consider them a true friend. But you play the bullshit "Oh my God! We should totally get together and hang out. I SOOOO miss you" But in your mind you are really thinking, "This chick is the lamest piece of shit I've ever met. Who wears acid wash overalls?! I'd rather get a paper cut on my eyeball then hang out with her! Please, God, don't make me have to run into her for another 10 months..." These are the assholes in your life you forward all those bullshit prayer chains that need to be sent to 67 friends within 30 seconds or your nipples will fall off. Thanks, bitches, I get about 10 of those daily from you. Glad to know you care enough to send the very best.