I took the girls to see the Nutcracker yesterday. It was a local production and was decent. I have seen much better costuming and the ballet is kind of lame without a live orchestra. Call me a ballet snob, I don't care. As much as I can rag on Grand Rapids, the ballet company there does a stellar job of putting on the Nutcracker every year. Good God, they must perform that show 20 times a season. The dancing is outstanding, the costumes are luxuriously detailed, and the orchestra and choir make me cry every time.
The party scene pissed me off. There were a bunch of fat-ass geezers in costume who tried to waltz around stage. Most of them were either not dancers at all or they had danced onstage about 30 years ago.The woman who played the old grandma had more wing fat on her arms than Oprah in a tank top. The magician, who I know as Dr. Drosselmeyer, wore a shitty satin cape and wasn't mysterious or magical at all. He was like that creepy uncle you try to avoid at holiday gatherings because he freaks you out. He tried to do pique (pronounced "pee-kay") turns with Clara and he looked like an ass. I wanted to run up onstage and punch him in the nuts but I thought better of it.
They had hired a professional group of dancers to perform the more challenging roles. The woman who danced the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy was outstanding. Her Cavalier Prince was a decent enough dancer but I highly doubt most of the audience cared much about his leaps or turns. This Cuban dude had the hugest package that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. When you are wearing white tights, as many male leads do in ballets, you have to wear a little item known as a dance belt. It's like a jock strap for dance, without the cup. This guy could have used two of 'em and even an extra pair of tights. It was distracting, frankly, given that we were in the third row. I am glad my kids did not ask what he was hiding in his pants because the whole "boys have a penis" bit has been a short conversation in my house. I'm sure some wives were aroused, some husbands felt inadequate. I was just grossed out. And this dancer had these enormous gleaming, white Chiclet teeth which he flashed. Between his denture-esque grin and his cock-o-rama in tights, I was nearly blinded by the time he took his bow. How the fuck he bowed with a unit like that I have no idea. I'm surprised the Sugar Plum Fairy did not knock into that dick ever time he had to hold her for a pirouette or leap.
Seeing this brought back a memory of one of my favorite movies, Top Secret, a classic from the 80's. It starred a very skinny Val Kilmer and there was a scene at the ballet which might give you an idea of my "vision" yesterday. Please buy or rent this if you've never seen it. It is a classic. Check out this scene...You have to cut and paste it into your browser because I am retarded and so is my computer.
http://www.viagravideos.com/funny-viagra-ballet-scene-top-secret-val-kilmer
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