Tis The Thought That Counts

When choosing gifts to give this holiday season, I have to ask how much thought you put into it? Did you grab a gift card to Applebee's at the check-out because the bus driver is a man and what the hell do you get a man? Did you buy every gingerbread scented candle a the dollar store and hope no one else might recognize you are a raging cheap-ass and don't give two shits your child's kindergarten teacher is a saint? Do you buy some bulk, shitty foil-wrapped chocolates and dump them in a tin that still have greasy crumbs from the person who gave you cookies LAST year? Here's how to tell if you really mean well with your gift giving this time of year....

By buying a scale, you think your wife will feel great and want to go to the gym and feel motivated about her health
By buying her a scale you are telling her she's a fat-ass and to stop eating so much damn ice cream. She will hate you and you will never get pussy in the New year.

By buying your husband a razor set, nose trimmer, and clippers you think you want him to feel his best when he's out at a big client meeting.
By buying the Trim Your Hair Special, he thinks you look at him like Chewbacca. He will now shave every ounce of hair from his body and frequent the Manhole Bar since you awakened this need to be free.......of hair and vaginas.

By buying an IKEA gift card you are telling the recipient they are fun and trendy.
By buying an IKEA gift card you are telling them their place is a dump so why waste money on REAL furniture? Also, you think they did so much acid that IKEA Swedish architecture will give them something fun to look at while they skip work for three days.

By buying a gift card to Starbuck's for $5 you are telling the recipient, "Here's little something to show I care about you at Christmas."
By buying a $5 Starbuck's card you are really letting them know that there is not one thing under $5 you could find so this is what they get. Someone bought all those fucking gingerbread candles you had your eye on and you are pissed..Go enjoy your Grande beverage.

By buying your wife a pair of control top pantyhose or underwear you want her to know she looks great when she goes out for a night away from the kids and this completes her hot, sexy look.
By buying these spanky pants grundies and pantyhose so tight you need Vaseline and a show horn to get into, you are telling her to keep on going to Weight Watchers, Porky. You will never lose those muffin tops of flab if you keep snarfing that fudge your mother sent you.

By buying a photo album, scarf and gloves, lotion gift set, or cute mug with cocoa and marshmallows all wrapped with a tiny teddy bear ornament, you are telling the recipient, "Here's a little something special I picked out just for YOU!"
By buying any of this random crap, you are telling the person, "I don't know one fucking thing about you and I don't give a shit to ask so here's what was on sale at the gift table at TJ Maxx. Hope you don't try to read through the blacked out sticker to see what a tightwad I was this year."

If you buy your child's teacher a sassy lingerie set from Lover's Lane because she's getting married and it is so sassy, just like she seems to be, you want her to know you are cool, hip, and clever.
Buy shopping at House of Butt Plugs, Dildos, and Crotchless Panties, you make your child's teacher call the police because you are clearly a demented perv who wants to swing with her and her fiance. By the way, you kid is going to flunk out of second grade thanks to your little "gifty poo".

By making homemade tomato relish and canning it with a laminated recipe card and a box of Triscuits, you are telling the recipient that homemade gifts are the best. I put love and care into making this for you
By giving this jar of savory sauce to the recipient, you neglected to research that if they ingest this they will need an Epi Pen to revive them because they are deathly allergic to tomatoes. And their grandma was killed by a drunk driver, driving a TRISCUIT TRUCK.

By buying your husband a Porche, you are telling him nothing is too good for your sweetheart!!
By blowing every cent you own plus borrowing from 3 relatives, you are telling your husband I hope he doesn't find out I'm fucking the UPS guy. He might get suspicious when he reminds you he works for Walmart as stock guy and you are a cashier at Meijer. Pretty sure the Christmas bonus wouldn't cover that car. Maybe the Jelly of The Month Club....

I am guilty of purchasing a few items from this list of shame. Sometimes you just get stumped, other times you realize "Mother fuck! Why did that person buy me something?! Now I've got to give her SOMETHING!". But most of the time you just don't really give a shit, right? That's okay, at least you handed them something in a festive wrapped package. They know it's the thought that counts.