It's spring break here in the mid-West. Even though the leaves are falling off the trees and the temperatures are plummeting, the geese migration resting spots are all over the place here in Bolingbrook, Illinois. They squack like a group of Jewish mothers at the Filene's Basement bridal sale, announcing their presence from miles away.
In cliched greeting cards and pictures you see birds hanging out in Florida, pina coladas in hand, wearing sunscreen on their beaks. Wait, birds don't even HAVE hands so how the hell can we think that's cute? Apparently my locale is considered far enough South to be vacation territory. It is like a goose convention here, they come in at all hours from the sky, shit all over the roads and sidewalks (and goose poop is pretty substantial bird dookie), and hang out in corn fields, next to water retention ponds, and wherever they can cluster in groups of 500 or more.
I have categorized their vacation spots. The primo locale is the man-made lake, surrounded by pretty nice homes. I liken this to perhaps Aruba or Cancun. It's exotic enough to be tropical and out of reach for many spring breakers parents' budgets. Lots of jealous geese who couldn't land here. Across the way is a small retention pond. Still on the water but a little seedier area. This reminds me of Daytona Beach. Warm, by the ocean, but plenty of cheesy guys who drink Coors Light trying to score. No dice, Rico Suave'. Down the road is an even bigger lake but no posh homes surrounding it. This is maybe Ft. Lauderdale. The majority of geese hang here. Then across the street there are several corn fields, no water, and lots of mud. These are for the geese who couldn't afford spring break so they take the bus to Chicago from Minnesota. It's still cold, not much to look at, but hey, they're away from home right?
These huge birds lay out in the sun, soaking up the rays. It's like an episode of MTV spring break but without 50 Cent or Rihanna coming to sing their new single to promote their album while getting pummeled by beach balls and empty beer cans. If geese could talk I think this might be what they talk about while on spring break..
Daytona Beach Pond:
Tammy Lee: Oh my God! Did you SEE how Bobby Dean was making out with Cindi Sue? She was getting her lipgloss all over his Dale Ernhardt beach towel! What a skank!
Ginny Rae: I know! Let's forget about them. I'm heading back to Motel 6 so I can freshen up before that jello wrestling contest. I am SO gonna win that shit this year!!
Ft. Lauderdale Pond
Britney: I soooo wish my whole sorority could have come. We totally would have won the "best jugs" contest by a landslide. And then Rick could see that my tits are definitely real!
Peyton: You are so right! Let's do a shot of Jaeger and make out!
Aruba Resort Beach
Kimora: I cannot even believe that Aubrey brought the same Prada clutch as me! She SO wants to be me. Excuse me but WHO was on "My Super Sweet Sixteen"? Yeah, that's right, bitches! Yours truly! Gaaawd! Her dad only could spend 5 G's on her lame ass birthday....
Anastasia: You are SO right on, baby. Hey, can I borrow your True Religion jeans tonight. They make my ass look HOT with that Gucci top I brought..
Cornfield Breakers
Beth: Chicago is so much fun! Who cares if it 29 degrees! I can't wait to go to Water Tower! Michigan Avenue is like the best shopping experience EVER!
Liz: Let's totally go to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner! We can wear our new Gap jeans and pretend like we live in the big city!!!
So as you can surmise, there is a lot of fucking geese hanging out near my home. And perhaps it is I who could really use a vacation for me to pontificate on all this madness. Jesus I need to get a life...
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