Excuse me but I believe that in order to receive a TREAT, whether it be a roll of Smarties or a full-size Hershey bar, you need to have put at least an incling of effort into your costume on Halloween. A black hooded sweatshirt, jeans, and a gnarly pillowcase to catch your loot does not qualify for diddly squat in my book. Also, if you are 14 years-old, you should be babysitting or passing out candy. Just my opinion. I think your greedy asses have had plenty of years collecting candy so give the little ones a chance.
We had the misfortune, due to my naivete, I suppose, of an entire huge spooky plastic cauldron of delicious candy disappearing in under 10 minutes. I left it out on my porch as I took the kiddos around from house to house, with a friendly little note asking for each kid to take one piece each. Not even four houses down I was informed I was out of candy. Little bastards. I returned home quickly to discover my cute cauldron flung upside down in my tree and not so much as a Snickers wrapper left on the sidewalk. That's what I get get for giving them the good stuff. That was a few years ago and I have learned since then. Or so I thought...
The little fuckers who were klepto maniacs with my candy even bragged about it on the bus. Grrr. So this year with the hubby being out of town (thank you to all the gay, childless asswipes who felt it was IMPERATIVE to have him in Orlando for the third fucking week in a row for some more "very important meetings". Away from his CHILDREN. On Halloween. And yes, I am pissed about it.), I had to either do the bucket on the porch routine or have no candy at all and leave the porch light off. I initially left a clever note and decent candy. It read, "Please take two pieces--Be honest, Santa is watching!" It was like taunting a bully in scholl by saying, "Nah-nah-nah-na-boo-boo!" Those little dillholes actually ran up to my door, not more than 1 minute after I taped the cocksucking sign up, and dumped handfuls of my shit into their bags. Within 5 kids visiting my house they must have nabbed 200 pieces of candy. Are you fucking serious?! Do your parents teach you any manners, you little 5th grade boys with bigger tits than the girls and little girls who aren't so little with your chub rub in your pirate costume that SOOOO does not fit you. Cover that gut, Chubella. Take two pieces and don't be such God damn greedy pigs!!!!!!!!!
Next year will be different. If you have a costume that includes makeup, a hat, or a mask, an actual outfit of some sort which matches the ensemble, and a candy receptacle that is not a plastic grocery bag from under your sink or a stained pillowcase, your score. You will get two pieces of decent candy from me. If you have a mask on that you've been wearing for the past three years and that is your only effort in costuming, I will offer you two shitty Dum Dums suckers in Mystery Flavor. If you are a complete asshole and are in a group of kids who have no costumes whatsoever, I will laugh at you and maybe have my dog poop on your shoe. If you are 14 or older and are not babysitting you little siblings, get your ass home and work on that Algebra. You don't need any candy. If my porch light is off, it is 9:30, and you decide to ring my doorbell anyways, I will punch you in your flabby gut with a broom handle because you just woke up my kids, made my dog bark his spastic little head off, and interrupted my Tivo'd episode of Oprah. Now pardon me while I dunk my Twix mini candy bar in Bailey's....
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