This time of year is exciting and busy. Shopping, baking, wrapping, party-hopping....Dreading the two entire weeks your kids will be bugging the living shit out of you. I love my daughters more than anything else, I just love them when they are SEPARATED from each other. Currently we are in the "she told me I was weird so I punched her then she pulled my hair no I'm not a tattletale but she didn't wait for me in the bathroom and she acts like a baby and I hate when she uses my lip gloss because she has germs so she can't be on the computer because it is SO my turn!" phase. Somebody shoot me please....
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over telling kids to please be quiet, tone it down, shush, knock it off, or plain old SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE!!! It does not matter what I say or how politely, rudely, or crudely I voice my disdain for their big mouths, no child ever listens to me. I just got done teaching dance tonight and the charm of inspiring our youth with the art of dance is wearing really fucking thin right about now. I swear to God I told this group of 8-10 year-olds about 150 times to be quiet and they always went right back to talking, yelling, screwing around, playing tag, or fucking with each other. This is not their first semester. They are not babies. I know they behave well in school. I have said it before but I will repeat, in the words of Rodney Dangerfield, I can't get no respect!!!
So please, Santa, if you are listening to a tired, old mom who USED to enjoy teaching dance and would like to enjoy her break, too, I need a few wishes granted this year....
#1) Give me classrooms full of students who wear the ballet dress code written in the damn program description (not baggy sweats with hair in their eyes like a damn shaggy dog). I love it when parents come with little kids in jeans, a sweater coat and no ballet shoes and tell me, "Well we didn't know what she should wear." You enrolled six weeks ago and it clearly says DRESS CODE right there next to her class. I hope your daughter is not as big of a retard as you are.
#2) Make these students pay attention and act like they give two shits their parents spend hundreds of dollars on enrolling them in these classes. I am constantly lecturing my kids about respecting their dance teachers. I told Sophie she will wear a tutu and a bun for a month if she acts up anymore.
#3) Make my children get along for fourteen consecutive days, preferably starting with December 22nd.
#4) Make it legal to use duct tape to keep my kids stationary or quiet. It needs to be removable by me but strong enough to hold those little shits still while Mommy cools off. Apparently you can get arrested in Illinois for spanking your child. My kids are too big for this anyhow but keeping them quiet for a stretch will at least keep me from getting out the wooden spoon or even a lead pipe....
#5) Make me super psyched to get my ass into a leotard come January. I know this is a stretch but I thought I'd ask. Right now I am finding this as enjoyable as my root canal. I do it to inspire the young ones to dress properly but, as you read in #1, most kids don't give a crap. Maybe I should start wearing sweatsuits, too....
#6) Do not let me hear my children utter the words, "I'm so bored" or "You never let me [insert one of 25 mean things I refuse to ever let my kids do] EVER!" over the 14 days of peace and quiet in my house.
#7) Let my children tell us they are so happy and grateful for all the great presents they got and there isn't one thing more they could possible want or need. This Christmas was definitely the best and did not suck.
#8) Let my dad's and brother's turkey farts not cause the carbon monoxide detectors to go off or for Isabella to gag and puke over the stench.
#9) Kindly negate all the calories I might consume in via cookies, wine, pie, buttery treats, vodka, mayonnaise-based dips, cheese, ice cream, and cakes. I wholeheartedly did not mean to eat so much. I was just trying to keep up with the festive mood, not expand two dress sizes. That's just an added bonus you give me each year, thanks so much...
#10) Peace on earth, good will to men, and all that other bullshit.
Thank you Santa. I have to go spend some more money on presents that will make the joy bust out of me like a tick waiting to pop. (Yes, I stole that from A Christmas Story. I'm hoping the American Girl Extravaganza we have planned will be reminiscent of Ralphie and his air rifle this year.) Now go deck THESE halls, bee-otch.
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