Do any of you get migraines out there? I'm not talking a little hangover headache or some little pain in your temples that a couple of Advil can cure. Those are pussy headaches. If you're bullshit is cured by a strong cup of coffee and an Excedrin, la-dee-frickin' da for you. I'm talking aura halos (like I'm on LSD but it's not so much fun), light sensitivity that makes you paralyzed by sunshine (even my Blue Blocker Victoria Beckham sunglasses don't make it dark enough), nausea, metallic taste in your mouth, and a pain that feels like you have a tumor the size of a softball pressing against your eyeballs. Welcome to my life.
I am getting really pissed about this. I know I bitch about a lot of shit but I really do try to be a good person. Does God hate me that much to make me suffer like this 5-10 mother fucking times per month?! (For those of you with your purist "I never make fun of people or swear in front of my kids or even feel tempted to yell at them so you probably ARE being punished for your sinful ways", piss off. You are a bag of twat juice..) I seriously wanted to fucking stab myself in the head today as this is my fifth migraine this month. FUCK ME!!!
I have to take these really expensive prescription-only migraine pills called Maxalt. There is no generic for this headache crack so it's about $90 out of pocket for 10 pills. They do the trick, even if I have to take two. They make me have to piss like I'm at $2 pitcher night and I pass out into a sleepy coma for about 45 minutes. Then I'm a groggy, crabby bitch for the rest of the day. It's a barrel of fucking monkeys, let me tell you.
I've had MRI's, EEG's, CAT scans, and blood tests up the ass. Nothing. Maybe my massive head is just growing exponentially and the migraines are "growing pains". Okay, I did laugh at the kid in the movie Mask so maybe it was a little mean. I am sorry, God, but I hardly think my punishment fits my crime. Can you cut me a break on the catastrophic pain here? I can't get any good shit like Rush Limbaugh. And the fucked up thing is that Vicodin doesn't even TOUCH the pain. Crazy. It's great when you're partying with Matthew Perry but if you have a migraine, your dealer isn't going to be able to help you out.
I will resolve to be a better mommy, friend, and human in general starting tomorrow. I will try to limit my F-word usage to 5 times or less per day (that's like Britney Spears limiting her Starbuck's or Taco Bell to 5 trips per day...). I will not eat any more of the delicious Christmas cookies that no one else in the house gives a shit about. (I took the time to lovingly prepare them, I can't let them go to waste?!) I will eat 5 servings of fruit and vegetables. I will get 8 hours of sleep. I will drink 5 liters of water. But for now I'm going to eat a big ass bowl of peppermint ice cream washed down by some Starbuck's cream liqueur over ice and then I'm sticking my head in the freezer.
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