Bite Me, Cupid

I will be a bitter hag tomorrow. Oh I will wear red, pass out goodie bags to Isabella's kindergarten AND my youth ballet classes, and make a kick-ass Valentine's Day craft but I will be faking my lovey-dovey holiday spirit. Fuck Valentine's Day this year. Picture me hugging a bottle of Cuervo, a mostly eaten heart-shaped box of Russell Stover chocolates laying by my feet, and my glaring middle finger up for all to see. Attractive, huh? Throw in some long chin hairs and a cigarette hanging from my mouth and I'm the ultimate Valentine.

Sultan is in Tampa Bay, Florida right now. This is the second year in a row he has been gone for Valentine's Day. I wish I could say I don't give a shit about this day, that it's merely a Hallmark holiday. I care and I am pissed off. I am lonely, bitter, and wish my honey was home to spend it with me. The only kisses I will be getting will slobbery ones from my dog. And he licks his asshole and eats rabbit shit. Are you jealous of me yet?

I passed by the sexy red and hot pink lingerie and felt sad. I guess I'll buy some Friday when it's 75% off. Sultan MIGHT be home Sunday. I am just lonely and annoyed right now.( Sorry, honey.) This has been the Week from Hell with our illness quarantine and planning for Valentine's Day. I just finished stuffing 785 treat bags and taping candy to Valentines. I alternated that activity with yelling at my kids to be quiet because they were making my headache massively worse. I had to also argue the finer points of why they should finish their dinner. Sophie pulled the old camouflage dinner maneuver in which she shuffled her rice and sausage around to make it look like she had eaten some. I told her nice try, I invented the Sausage Smuggling Maneuver. That was probably the wrong way to phrase it for a 7 year-old because if she repeats that in school I might get a call from DCFS. Ooops.

I saw some dude today in the checkout lane. He was buying chocolate (mostly the classy Snickers variety), a huge bag of tealight candles, presumably to lead a trail to the bedroom for his girlfriend, and two King-Size bags of Doritos. I felt like saying, "Listen, buddy, your love muffin will have NO trouble finding the bedroom when your dragon breath is wafting from your mouth with nacho cheesy goodness. Eeww. Yeah, I'd recommend TWO packs of that Eclipse gum." But Stinky Breath Boy will clearly be enjoying some romance tomorrow. Bastard.

Even if I get flowers, which had better come sometime tomorrow, it doesn't replace the warm, loving embrace of someone you really care about. Holy shit, I AM a Hallmark card.. Seriously, it sucks if you have someone but have to be apart, that's all. If you are single and don't know any better, good for you. Go get wasted at happy hour and make out with a random stranger who is just as desperado as you. Make each other happy. But if I see you shopping for His and Hers Valentine's Day shirts next year and I'm all by my lonesome, I will slap you with the wad of Hallmark cards in my cart. I hope you get a paper cut on your eyeballs, too. Happy Hearts Day!!!!