Stop Stealing My Shit

Did you ever know a little kid who takes other kids' shit? They usually start at an early age, we're talkin' toddler stage. It seems innocent and cute enough. Little Suzy grabs Billy's toy train and begrudingly has to give it back after Billy cries himself till he yacks up his Teddy Grahams. But Suzy does not relent. When their mommies are chatting about their recent purchases at Target, Suzy pockets that damn train again, hiding it in Mommy's fake Louis Vuitton purse. Billy does not notice and since he has more toys than a holiday toy drive for Hurricane Katrina, he forgets about that train. But Suzy begins her quick ascent into the world of toddler kleptomania.

She swipes toys at playdates, snacks from plates, she even graduates to packs of gum at the grocery store. Her skills become refined, she has the face of an angel. Who would suspect it from cute, little SUZY? Well I would, for starters. I have witnessed this bullshit many times over. I am the mom who will yell at her own kids to hand over whoever's pool/sand/playroom toys they are hoarding to the rightful owner. 'Cause when a child takes MY kids' shit, step the fuck off. I don't play--drop the tea set, bitch. Just because your mommy was too lazy/stupid/cheap to bring your OWN toys to the pool does not label my daughter with a sign that says, "Here! Play with my shit all day long! I didn't really want to play with it ANYWAYS!"

I witnessed a real pro the other day. My friend had brought an assortment of things for her kids to use at the pool. I eyed this little girl who was dabbling in toy sampling, splashing from child to child, collecting pails, squirty toys, diving rings. The thing is, when you are at the pool, it is hard enough to distinguish your own children from the rest when they are wet, let alone all their toys which can easily float away when not tended to. So the parents were not immediately aware of the little thief in their midst. She magically ended up with a pair of pink Speedo swim goggles around her neck. She did not wear them nor attempt to even put them on. My friend's daughter went up to her and accused her of taking her sister's goggles. Little thief child said they were NOT her sister's. Then her mother, who spoke not a LICK of English (a whole other freakin' blog post in itself.....), shook her head adamantly and glared at my friend. So Klepto-Quita wore the goggles, prancing her arrogant little self in the water. Mamacita Klepto-Quita shot dagger eyes in our direction the rest of the afternoon. The little brat had gotten away with it! And I know that mother has made a small collection of voodoo dolls and is stabbing pins in their eyes as we speak. I can't decide if I should buy some Visine or go pocket a pack of Doublemint Gum...