That's Gonna Hurt

I have done some painful things to myself in my life. I have broken a finger by slipping off my snowy steps and landing on my ass, bending it backwards (the finger, not my ass). I have had a grand mal seizure that resulted in me dislocating and braking my ankle so severely I now have a nifty metal plate and 7 screws implanted in me. Not really funny or preventable, but that shit HURT. I birthed two babies, comparable to crapping a moving squishy pumpkin. They ripped me in places I didn't know could be ripped. I know, I checked with a mirror the next day. Please don't do that if you ever give birth. After you verp (that's a vomit burp) in your mouth, you ask yourself, "What in THE hell did it used to look like?!"
I have cut chunks of flesh off my legs from shaving. I have sliced my finger open reaching into my husband's toiletry bag and grazing his triple blade razor. Then I went to get a manicure and the crazy bitch dipped that same finger in a hot paraffin wax, even after I showed her my maimed digit. Mother fuck did that KILL! I did a rudimentary cartwheel off a picnic table which resulted in a nasty broken arm, shaped like an "S". Last fall I slammed my finger in a cab door in D.C. during my best friend's bachelorette party night. (Sorry I was the buzzkill, Sara..) I have sprained my ankle a few times and broken my toe by stubbing it on my dining room table while vacuuming. If you read my former post, you know I recently fell off my bike with it landing on TOP of me while standing-NOT EVEN RIDING. To say I lack grace is a gross understatement. You wouldn't expect that from a ballet teacher but stranger shit has happened.
Today after I quickly shampooed my hair, I reached for my loofah and Buttercream Frosting body wash. I squirted a generous amount on the white sponge and went to put the bottle back in it's basket. The brute force of my recently toned arms (thank you, tricep dip machine) clearly caused a stray droplet of body wash to be flung into my eye. It dripped into the pocket of my lower eyelid and I recall thinking, "Gee, I wonder how bad this will sting?"
Stinging is what a bee does. A whip on your naked butt cheek with a wet towel stings. Getting salsa in a fresh paper cut stings. This was like getting hydrochloric acid dumped in your eye. Or glass shards. Or habanero chili pepper chunks smeared into it. I shoved my face fully into the water stream. Fuck, how can water make it hurt WORSE?! Burning, burning, burning. Nose running like a snot rocket bonanza. I glanced in the mirror when I was able to actually pry my gooey eyelid open. I looked like a junkie after a 2 week bender. And then it started to swell. My upper eyelid was puffing and sagging. I became that fun new doll ready for the holidays, it's Bell's Palsy Inflatable Fucked-Up Face Doll!! Burning, bloodshot, gooey, did I mention BURNING? I was a hot mess. After I determined the water was no longer acting in my favor, I called it quits in the shower. Cold water from the sink--nope. Cool washcloth--no dice. I squirted 3 vials of saline eye drops into the mess that looked like ground beef with a retina. No help. Could I wear an eye patch like a pirate? Didn't Johnny Depp make that shit chic? I guess I am going with the Amy Winehouse Strung Out Crack-Smokin' Eye look. But you will not see me on YouTube smoking a crack pipe backstage. You will see me fall on my ass or trip or land face first in the grass while trying to teach my kid how to ride a bike. That's funny shit, no matter how bad it hurts.