Do any of you remember when it was the shit to have your birthday party at McDonald's? Does anyone do that any more? Kids, well at least mine, are spoiled as shit when it comes to birthday parties. We have had gymnastics parties, pool parties, a pony riding party (hard to top that one), a rock star diva dress-up party, a pottery painting party.... Get the picture here? My absolute least favorite (read: I'd rather triple pierce my nipple with a dull skewer) kids party has to be the ones held in my own home. You know the kind, the ones where 27 kids, toddler siblings included, smear red frosting into the carpet (but you won't find it for 3 1/2 weeks). They break all your children's old toys and 2/3 of the new ones that are frantically opened at the party. Though the party was scheduled from 1-4pm, it is now 10:30 and there are still 13 adults and a multitude of half-naked, temper tantrum throwing, caffeinated kids running around. You ran out of juice boxes at 6pm and all that's left is Coke or Cuervo to drink. You find a couple of swingers doing it in your half bath and three poopy diapers that have been used as a Jackson Pollock paint palate in your living room. I might be exaggerating a little bit but you get the idea of my disdain for birthday parties in my home, at least for children. If you have the patience and amount of carpet cleaner needed to deal with this, more power to you.
So the level of expectation has risen for events like parties. Kids are exposed to so much more than we ever were as children. They see more, try more, can do more. That is why on a rainy afternoon, although we have 345 board games, 39 craft kits, two cats, a dog, a guinea pig, Nintendo DS, the Wii, XBox, a theater room with a God damn popcorn cart, three computers, and 5 televisions, I often hear, "Mom, I have NOTHING to do!!! I am SOOOOO bored!!" Seriously? Could you sound more like divas who think they will have their frickin' My Super Sweet 16 birthday on MTV?
Even taste in what we eat is getting more refined. I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my Little Orphan Annie lunchbox. My mom cooked with hamburger, there was no ground turkey at the grocery store. If we ate fish it was Van DeKamp's frozen fish sticks. These days there are better tasting, healthier options for us. Isabella loves--and I mean LOVES--sushi. Not California rolls, which I used to loathe but now think are a little bit of pussy sushi. We're talking sashimi with salmon, tuna, eel, sweet shrimp. Sophie's favorite thing to order when there are options besides mac and cheese or nuggets? Salmon or swordfish. Yup, she goes ape-shit over it. I almost always order fish or a salad with chicken when I am out. I don't think it is high maintenance, just delicious. I can't even tell you the last time I ate a hamburger. 1987? No lie.
As much as kids can be picky, I can too. I love strawberries and I love bananas. But give me a strawberry banana milkshake and I will gag. I also think artificially flavored strawberry or banana stuff is the epitome of nastiness. But yet I LOVE artificially flavored cherry stuff more than I like fresh cherries. Odd, huh? I love tuna sushi or a tuna steak but open a can of albacore and to me it smells like a Poonani Festival. I cannot get past that damn STINK. I will eat pork but I hate beef. It's a texture thing, I don't thing cows are particularly cute and cuddly. I was a vegetarian for about 11 years because I was a wannabe animals rights follower. Then I saw a single pepperoni on a pizza at Fricano's in Grand Haven that needed to be put in my mouth. And thus ended my years as a non meat-eater. Shit happens.
I doubt there will be a resurgence in popularity of birthday parties at McDonald's for our kids. Things seem to be getting bigger and more grandiose in America, kind of like the SIZE of our young ones. (That shit is sad. When I see a little boy with boobies and he's inhaling a family-size bag of Doritos I want to go and punch his fat-ass parents.) I do believe there will be a day when McDonald's might have to jump on the bandwagon and offer GRILLED fish or hell, even sushi. Stranger things have happened. While I wait for this to happen, I have to start planning Sophie's birthday party for next year. I hear the Jonas Brothers are a bitch to book less than 6 months out....
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