I'm gettin' on this rant again. Sorry if it is old. I am Angry 3rd Grade Party Mom. Welcome to my own personal hell. It's called Treat Bags with NO FUCKING TREATS. How is a pencil a treat? How is one of this shitty little pinball mazes that the silver ball gets stuck in the corner a treat?! How are flimsy little spiral notepads with 5 sheets of paper a TREAT?! I'll tell you how....they are NOT TREATS in any way, shape, or form!!
I was at Target today. There were about 10 moms circling the Valentine's Day aisles like vultures. We were keenly avoiding the massive bags of chewy and sour and chocolate candy as if we all had peanut allergies and we were touring the Planter's Nut factory with nary an epi pen in sight. Were were scrutinizing the non-candy items, looking at the number of items per bag. Would it fucking kill them to put a normal number of prizes in a bag, like 10 or 30?? 12 is NOT a good number. There are 29 fucking students in each class I will supply these sorry-as-shit excuses for treat bags. That means I will be stuck with pounds of heart-shaped erasers or wedding bubble containers or bendy straws. Thanks, Chinese bullshit manufacturers. Are there exactly 24 students in each of YOUR elementary classrooms? Well yippdee fucking doo for you. Would you like a statistical chart of the typical classroom demographic here in ILLINOIS?! Cuz' it sure as shit ain't 24!!!
I received a kind little note from the principal noting that any Valentine card with candy items taped to them will not be allowed to be passed out and will be returned home with the child. Excuse me, are we in Nazi Germany? Am I handing out RUFIES to these kids? Is Michael Phelps loading my treat bags with joints? It is a God damn BLOW POP. Fuck you, Plainfield School District. "Health and Wellness Policy" my white ass. This is not old news to my regular readers..
If I want my kids to avoid cavities from sugary treats, I will not let them eat all 29 candy items they might receive in their Valentine's Day bag. My kids actually prefer an apple as a snack, as a matter of fact. But holy shit, they will become addicted to that holy grail of sugar ecstasy if they get some REAL treats for a classroom party. Get the exorcism ready! God will strike me down because surely my child is headed for a life of debauchery, drug addiction, and (oh the fucking SHAME of it!!!) SUGAR HIGHS if they are exposed to that candy!!!!
When it is Halloween, your child should have candy. When it is Christmas (not "Winter Holiday" or "Snow Bonanza" or whatever the religion phobic fucktards who got on one too many school boards decided to call it now), there should be candy. Valentine's Day is all about candy, too. Our kids have exactly three parties each year. It is not weekly. Let them have some fucking fun. I knew someone who was deprived of sugar. She turned into a crazy crack head sweet-seeker when she was away from her parents. I think I saw her mainlining lemon custard from a powdered donut when she had her freedom. Is a couple of Hershey's Kisses really so bad? A mini Tootsie Pop on my Hannah Montana "Best of Both Worlds, Sweetheart!" Valentine? Because with this ghetto-ass PTA budget the treats are now coming out of my pocket. And as a paying member of my child's holiday festivities, I would rather they bring something home someone can consume rather than the bullshit plastic crap that will no doubt hit the trash can within a week. So help me God, I am going to stab myself in my jugular if I get one more holiday pencil. Or maybe I'll dip them all in chocolate and leave a bouquet of craziness for each of the principals and board members. But I will make sure to include my "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" light display. They love that as much as Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
3 comments:
I am helping with my sons party at Liberty and in charge of bringing the snack. The teacher said a healthy snack or a piece of candy was fine. I was like no way! Man will he be surprised by my huge homemade frosted yummy sugar cookies, jelly belly taste contest game, along with a bubble gum blowing contest! These kids will have fun & have sugar! Happy Valentines Day:)
Do you know what this is all about? Parental responsibility. No one wants it any more; they'd rather point the blame than TAKE the blame. For God's sake, monitor your kid when he comes home with a treat bag. In plain words: Know what the hell your child is up to and deal with it. But no, this way they can blame everyone else but themselves for misbehavior or rotten teeth. (Mom)
Molly... you crack me up! Your blogs could easily be a book,or at least a memo at the next PTA meeting!
I agree 100% on the crappy crapola that kids receive in their so-called goody bags. When kids go to parties they expect "goodies" when they leave. Here's my new line as children leave and have their grubby little hands out..."Did you have a good time? Well then, there's your goody bag!"
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