Cart Leaver

If you spend time and money at Target, chances are you are using a shopping cart to purchase your wares. When you are done loading your car there is a handy-dandy cart corral in which to place your cart. Unless you are really lazy or in SUCH a hurry you couldn't possibly walk an extra 10 feet and inconvenience yourself. I did not catch sight of the Illustrious Cart Leaver today but they were lurking at Target. I almost backed into your cart. The dumbest part of it all? The cart corral was three feet from the fucking door-dinger on wheels.

I get it some days. It's raining or snowing really hard. You forgot your gloves or umbrella. You are late picking your kids up from Girl Scouts. You had to load your car with 15 cases of Red Bull because it was on sale and your arms are dog tired. I GET it. But it doesn't excuse your lazy ass. Seriously. Because inevitably the day it's snowing like a mother fucker it is also windy as all hell. I have witnessed stray carts blown with a large gust to roll at a mean 20 miles per hour across the lot, looking like a small child who has broken free from Mommy's grasp at Walmart and is headed straight for the toy aisle. The cart is headed perhaps to play cart roller derby with another cart or perhaps to crash full-force into my door. Have you met my husband? He doesn't take too kindly to dents, dings, and scratches that appear with no reason on our cars. And because I specifically parked my car all the way to the outer limits of the lot, your God damn NASCAR crazy shopping cart has chosen my car door to play chicken with. You win. I hope you feel better about yourself because I bet your hair STILL looks like shit from getting drizzled on. Go on with your bad self and your sweet $7.99 haircut from Great Clips. Nice mullet perm.

If I had witnessed the offender I might be inclined to follow them to their next destination. I would tie their stray cart to my Jeep bumper with bungee cords. Then I'd follow them into let's say Borders with the cart. They would look at me like, "Who's this crazy bitch in Borders with a CART?!" Then on to Office Max. Maybe they wouldn't even notice that I am following them with a Target cart in this store. But when we head to Meijer I will gingerly start tapping their achilles tendons as I meander closely behind them on their grocery journey. They will whip around and verbalize their indignant attitude, staring me down with their beady little lazy cart-leaving eyes, "YOU are the crazy bitch I saw at Borders! What the fuck?!..." I will call up the most ambitious, efficient cart boy I have ever seen. The Filipino guy with the bowl-cut who talks to himself from Target. You know who I mean. Rain, shine, tornados, this dude is ON IT when it comes to shopping cart maintenance. He will be up in your shit so fast you won't know what hit you. Nobody fucks with his Target carts. He will speed walk over from Target to Meijer in 2 1/2 minutes, accost you in the ice cream aisle, speak some incoherent gibberish, and slam dunk your ass into the cart, and wheel you back to his domain. He will make you aware of the proper place to wheel his red beauties.

I suggest you figure out where the fuck ALL the cart corrals are next time you go shopping. You aren't afflicted with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms so use what God gave you. Park it like you mean it, bitch. I will call Cart Boy again. He's not gonna be so nice next time.