I'm Gonna Go Gwyneth

I cannot cook a piece of meat to save my life. If Gordon Ramsey walked in my door right now he would scream bloody murder at me and beat me with a flank steak for annihilating my chicken chunks in a simple stir fry the other night. How can you fuck up CHICKEN?! Well if your name is Molly Ghahtani, there's a quick way to start.

I enjoy eating plenty of meat. I favor chicken and all types of fish but I will eat pork and sometimes even beef. (Never has been a personal fave despite living in the good ol' USA.) I can take a simple chicken breast and somehow manage to cook the outside to leathery chewiness but still keep the inside pink and glistening with potential salmonella. How does this happen?! Can I please have that clever British or Australian dude from Food Network over here for some meat intervention? (Though that sounds like the name of a bad porno...)

I was a vegetarian for many years. I started when I was about 16 because I thought PETA and all the animal rights organizations were SOOOO cool. I had to jump on the band wagon. I avoided any sort of flesh in my mouth for 10 years. (Also insert bad joke here.) Then one day I saw a juicy, oily pepperoni on a pizza at Fricano's in Grand Haven and the rest is history. But I'll be God-damned if I can cook meat for my family.

Sultan is always in charge of our traditional Christmas turkey. He cooks it to a T. He grills steaks and burgers and chicken with delicious smoky flavor. His smoker yields mountains of juicy meat falling off the bone. I can make a mean turkey sandwich but don't ask me to even bake chicken nuggets. They will be crumb-coated hockey pucks with a side of waffle fries. Twenty three gallons of ketchup can't even mask that taste.

So do I become like Gwyneth Paltrow and start eating tofu everything? Miso glazed tofurkey burgers? Soy hot dogs which look like limp doggie dicks? Seaweed wrapped artificial crab meat rolls? I can't cook meat so maybe I shouldn't be allowed to eat it either. I am at a cooking crossroad. I continually disappoint my family with my meat-based meals the way Michelle Kwan never quite got that gold medal. Sultan's grilling is the Olympics and I'm skating at the Duncan Hines Has-Been Stars on Ice Tour with Tonya Harding. Guess it's omelets for dinner tonight, kids.