They Really Are...

My kids had a school carnival and barbeque last Friday night. There were all sorts of games, raffles, a cake walk, a dunk tank, and prizes of miniscule worth by the thousands. My husband took the girls because I had to teach dance and arrived later. Upon my entrance I was greeted by a ridiculously exuberant Sophie who quickly informed me she had one not one, not two, but THREE goldfish as prizes. Remember in old cartoons when the steam shot out of the character's ears and the face got as red as a tomato? I am pretty sure that was me at that moment. Fish live. The breathe. They eat and most importantly, POOP. I have been working fervently to decrease the quantity of eating and pooping beings in my home. We are down two beta fish and one guinea pig. But now we are up by three slimy goldfish. Mother fucker.

See now I am not a heartless person. In fact I am quite a sap when it comes to feeling sorry for animals. So it's not like I could flush these three newcomers or even purposely not feed them or change their water. I have been known to take an entire family of displaced rabbit babies to an animal sanctuary. I'm a sucker, I know. My husband knew how much these little "pets" meant to the kids so he went straight to Petsmart as I fumed through the rest of the evening at the carnival. FISH?! Seriously?! You could have passed out candy or bags of sugar, hell even a JOINT would be better for me than more PETS! Fast forward to the fish homecoming.
Sultan, "The lady at Petsmart told me this is the food they need and the only way they'll thrive is if we have them in AT LEAST a tank this size.."
I glance over to the enormous box covering my kitchen table..
Sultan replies sheepishly, "It'll fit right on the counter there.."
Me, "How big is that fucking thing??"
Sultan, "Ten gallons."
Me, "OH HEEEELLLLLLL NO! I hope you saved the receipt."
Although I have a soft spot for animals I also am practical. It is a bitch to clean a 3-gallon tank. And since I am the sole caretaker I get to pick their living accommodations. Leftover beta tank it is. God damn fish.

They are slimy and stinky. Their tank, though equipped with a filter, needs to be changed twice a week. The lady at Petsmart laughed at me when I went in and went off on her about how much I loathe these three little fifty-cent pets. A bigger tank was her only suggestion. Ha! Fuck that. These bitches are gonna stay in their studio apartment and deal. Sophie's joy over these damn things every morning astounds me. Christ...

We noticed a pink long appendage-looking thing hanging off one of the fish. Immediately I thought it might be a fish cock but it was pretty long. Then it fell off so maybe it was poop. Then the other two had the same thing today. What the fuck?! So I googled "goldfish penis" because I don't recall ever learning he anatomical specifics of the goldfish. Wanna know what I found? Fucking hilarious....

"The male goldfish has a penis when it is born; however, within 2 weeks from birth, the mother goldfish bites the penis off and feeds it to newly born females. Young females who are not fed the infantile goldfish penis will find it necessary to stuff their mouth with the nearest penis, no matter the species (as long as it has a penis). For these reasons, a backwoods sect in northern Alabama set themselves to raise a farm of female carp bred to display traits of loose jaws and smooth lips. Additionally, the brave farmers separate genders at birth to ensure that the young succulent carp do not have a chance to taste penis. The female carp are than fattened and, when they become ripe and plump (45-55 lbs), serve as the preferred leisure activity for affluent Alabama men willing to wade pantless in a pond of oral pleasure. The activity is known as "noodling", and its gain in popularity is partly due to a scene in the 2008 film "Twilight" in which the vampire character "Edward Cullen" is serviced by three luscious carp in the "Pond of Serenity". "

I do not even know if this is bullshit or not but it made my day. They really ARE little cocksuckers!!!!!!!!!