Toss Up

I picked up our babysitter today so Mommy could go out and do a few things. Numero uno on my list? My very first mammogram.
I have heard many horror stories about them and how your titties get smooshed like pancakes and it hurts like a bitch. Honestly I wasn't too worried. These fun bags have been many different sizes and have been to hell and back with some surgery so I say BRING IT, BITCHES! The technician gives you some pretty pink beaded stickers to make sure your nips stand out on the X-ray. Christ, my nips are fucking ginormous so I really don't know how you can miss them. People in Wisconsin can see when I'm nipping out. They're like a pair of Pinnochio's noses on these jugs. She prodded and pulled my cans like taffy at the county fair. The two plates sandwiched my chesticles like a Turkey Bacon panini at Panera. And she pressed the foot lever till my nipple and breast meat was protruding in a flat pink discus the size of a salad plate. With a pink beaded nipple tag no less. I think she had to get no less than 5 separate shots of each jubbly due to their size and "inner contents". She said I had dense breasts. I told her she was a dumb bitch. Not really. After about 35 minutes I was done. I found it ironic that she had me change into a hospital top in a private changing room prior to my scan yet after her groping me more than a cantaloupe stand at the farmer's market she thought I needed privacy. Please. Painful? No. Mildly annoying? Yes. Dreading it next year? Nope.

I headed to my least favorite grocery store with the best produce but the shittiest check-outs and customer service known to man. (Except for maybe the post office. They REALLY give their customers a big "FUCK YOU" when it comes to giving a shit.) This store is Meijer. At any given moment there are three cashiers working and 78 people in line buying three carts worth of groceries apiece. Excuse me but are you the God damn Duggar family with 18 fucking kids in tow? Just because Hamburger Helper and bulk potatoes are 10 for $10 do you really need to buy 100 of them? Really?! I remember I need stamps and since I see the bright blue "Customer Service" sign, I decide to play Russian Roulette with my patience and step in line. Last time I tried this I waited 15 minutes while some cheap-wad argued about returning a shitty pair of socks worth $1.67 with no receipt only to get to the front of the line and be told, "Sorry, we're sold out of stamps." Fuck me, I hate you Meijer Empire. As I wait I notice Chubby McFat Twat is unusually crabby today as a woman asks her to rent a carpet cleaner. I am guessing she might be crabby because her blood sugar is low and she's barely surviving on the king-size Snickers she had for breakfast 5 hours ago. Poor fat fuck. She yells at the woman for talking too fast as she fills out her rental agreement for the cleaner in triplicate. It's hard to spell real fast when you never got your GED. The other cashier is having to call 8 managers because a woman is returning some fucking small thing worth $6.37 but she doesn't have the correct receipt. I have seen less haggling between two Jews at Neiman Marcus' Last Call sale over the last Donna Karan dress in a size 14. I felt like fishing 637 pennies from the floor of my car and chucking them at her. How fucking cheap and petty are you, freakshow?! Little old man in front of me buys his lotto ticket and Chubby McFat Twat takes one look at me and yells over to the girl helping "Miss $6.37" that it's time for her break. (I think someone tipped her off that the timer just went off on the barbeque rib tips in the deli. Gotta get 'em when they're fresh and hot, ya' know.) I looked at the poor girl who was fucking WIPED from running laps to all departments to find a high enough figure of authority to convince this woman that she could NOT return her item (maybe it was Massengil douche.). I said, "All I need is three books of stamps." Crossing fingers, crossing fingers, please don't be sold out, please don't make me yell at you for your big fat lying piece of shit "Customer Service" sign because it is a bigger fucking joke than Heidi and Spencer's marriage...
"Here ya' go!" she says as my debit card is approved. Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Now off to buy my produce and wait in another line for 45 minutes while Jedidiah, Jo-Beth, Jerk-Off, and Juggs Duggar buy their Hamburger Helper and taters. Don't mind me while a throw a few boxes of Trojans in your cart. They're 10 for $10 ya' know...