Lure Me In

In these trying economic times several retailers have had to file for bankruptcy, thus closing their doors and liquidating their inventory. When it comes time to move merchandise these stores have to figure out a way to lure extra customers into their places of business. Enter Awkward Giant Sign Holding Guy. This dude is probably paid $40 per day to stand on a corner with a 7-foot sign plastered with info about "Total Liquidation!", "20-70% off all MERCHANDISE!", and "Everything Must Go!". Most of the men (I have yet to see a chick do this job) I have seen look like the dregs of society. The hispanic dude who was advertising for our local Linens and Things had greasy hair, dirty grey jeans, a Sony Discman probably playing Journey's Greatest Hits, and a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Hardly caused me to feel inspired to go buy some clearance comforters and sheets. The skinny black guy who held the towering sign for Circuit City was drinking a beverage clad in it's secret paper bag cozy (Mad Dog or Colt 45), also had filthy jeans, and the same dangling cig from his lips. This dude HATED this job and it showed on his "Fuck you, I am Sweaty, Hungover, and Hoping to Escape my Probation Officer" expression. Most of the poor souls who commit to this dreary mindless job have the same sort of look and enthusiasm. Why bother? I can smell your 3 day old stank through my car window. I don't really want to buy anything you are selling. And yes, though no one else wants to do this shitty job, this hobo-looking mother-fucker represents YOUR store. So maybe you should rethink the hiring. A shower and no cigarette perhaps? The best representation I saw recently was in front of a going-out-of-business sale at a store I cannot even recall. Want to know WHY I don't remember the store? Because the guy holding the sign had enthusiasm, hygiene, and DANCE MOVES! If I had to guess his name I might wager Lance or Skippy. His Heather Locklear-highlighted coif was swept back by a few coats of Aussie Sprunch Spray. (You have to remember that shit--it smells like grape candy!). He was jumping up and down, SMILING, and no cigarette was in sight! I am not sure if there was a song in his head or he had a boom box resting beneath his enormous sale sign. He was popping side to side around that sign not unlike the VonTrapp kids in The Sound Of Music when they were "cuckooing" in the "So Long, Farewell" montage. It was inspiring. One thing was for sure, he was not drunk, not hungover, potentially a super-closeted child of Jesus freak parents who home school, and wearing a dapper ensemble that included white jeans and penny loafers. PENNY FUCKING LOAFERS. His smiled, popped aside the "Clearance NOW" in neon yellow letters and did a suave kick ball-change. I felt like putting him on the Hot Tamale Train a' la' Mary Murphy from So You Think You Can Dance. Had I not been driving at semi-warp speed to drop my daughter at Girl Scout camp I would have stopped to buy whatever the hell he was selling. Which looking back might have included crystal meth and a Book of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints....with a Lance Bass bookmark....