I feel violated with too many commercials about ailments and conditions and illnesses I never knew existed until recently. And there are drugs, SO MANY DRUGS, you can take to treat these problems. And guess what?? If something bad happens when you take those drugs that you don't like, you can hire a lawyer to sue the shit out of everybody! This is America after all! God bless these [insanely litigious] United States!!! (But if it pisses you off when someone refers to God you probably can sue them for that, too.)
If you have really bad acne, like zits that are so massive that you have to order a DOUBLE cappuccino or carry a huge cluster of red balloons to hold in front of your crusty boil face, do not despair! There is a new medication that will solve this problem. But.....in case you might have a tendency for explosive diarrhea, occasional colitis, a seasonal colostomy bag, or have random asshole bleeding that may or may not implicate you in a murder, please consult with a physician.
Sidenote: If medication that is a topical ointment for your SKIN can cause problems with your intestines and asshole, I'd say steering clear of that might be wise. But I'm no doctor so what do I know. Maybe your zits are so bad that butt bleeding is a fair trade off. I'd personally stick with carrying those red balloons around....
If you randomly have outbursts of prolonged laughing or crying at inappropriate times, this is a real medical condition that you can be treated for. Shit, I sometimes start laughing so hard at my own texts while I'm in line waiting to pay for tampons at Walgreens that I drool and start crying. No one thinks I need medication, they just think I'm kinda special so suddenly I skip to the front of the line. Accidental awesomeness! I also have been known to spontaneously burst out crying while trying on swimwear or even when the combination of PMS, lack of sleep, and one too many bitchy teen jabs takes me down. But if the FDA has found a drug to lock that emotional instability down, big ups to you.
If you tend to piss your pants when you sneeze, have to do jumping jacks, laugh too hard, get caught off guard by a spider in your face, or frequent surprise parties, you can get a PELVIC SLING like a beachy striped hammock sewn up in your hoo-ha. Sounds like a little oasis of relaxation! And guess what? If you don't want to got through the bother with that procedure, you can wear diapers that look just like underwear so NOBODY WILL KNOW. (Except for the fact that you smell like a Diaper Genie because you literally don't even bother trying to find the restroom at Starbucks after your venti iced macchiato.)
When that pee tarp starts to sag out, you can find a TRANS-VAGINAL MESH lawyer who can sue your doctor for putting faulty mylar up in your business. So no matter if you want to pee your pants or stop it up like the Hoover Dam, it's a win-win.
There are drugs to take if you can't pee. Or if you pee so often a cartoon image of your bladder knows exactly where all the local restrooms are. If you can't get it up with your sexy silver fox self. If your 57 year-old lady friend is dried up like a day old grilled cheese, THERE ARE DRUGS FOR YOU.
If you are sad. If you are extra super duper sad. If you can't fall asleep. If you can fall asleep but can't stay asleep. If you just really like to take naps all the time and not do the laundry. (Okay I totally made that one up but I bet you 50 bucks Pfizer hones in on that little gem pretty soon...) If you have gimpy knees. If you kick your sleepover buddy like a crazed donkey on peyote all night long. If you want to go rogue and eat that damn peanut butter sandwich just to look super bad ass, there is a futuristic Epi-Bot who will shoot adrenaline into your thigh quicker than you can say "tongue tied anaphylaxis". (Unless you have Obamacare then you just have to hope one of your friends isn't squeamish when they have to pull your pants off at Panera and aim for the "Property of Raoul" tatt on your leg. Sorry, the Epi-Bot is considered "non-formulary" medication so screw you.)
All I'm saying is if you can think up a symptom, we will find a pill or procedure to numb you, make you firm, make you agile, make you sleep, make you happy, make you dry, make you wet, make you have babies, make you sterile, make you breathe, open your sinuses, make you poop, and have an orgasm. (Hopefully not all at once because I don't even know what lawyer would take that case...)
*I am a non-attorney spokesperson and any and all claims may be complete bullshit and are strictly mentioned and made fun of to induce possible laughter and probable offensiveness to intended readers. So sue me.
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