Seize the Made-Up Day!!!

Today is apparently National Dog Day. I don't really know if this is true or some Hollywood celebrity with 7 rescue dogs Tweeted about it at 3am when they were 3 bottles of Grey Goose in at 50 Cent's table and suddenly we all have to celebrate. Today is also Women's Equality today, commemorating when we were given the right to vote because having a vagina used to mean we were inferior. (I'll take having my lady taco to that ugly sack of hairy balls and wrinkly deflated balloon that sits in your pants all day, thanks. Pretty sure Caitlyn Jenner got sick and tired of tucking all that junk up into those 80's Olympic running shorts and now posts "Nut-Free Zone" signs in her house.) Oh yay, two reasons to have a cocktail.

Who decides on all these random days to celebrate??? They certainly weren't anything I've ever heard of nor celebrated when I was growing up. Just more bullshit reasons to inundate social media with pics and well wishes and selfies regarding whatever the hell said holiday is. Just let me stop you right there. Enough.

I think this whole epidemic started with Sweetest Day. A bullshit holiday created by someone who did not have a significant other on February 14th so they MADE UP A HOLIDAY so their "sweetie" could feel obligated to buy them romantic gifts. Not buying into it, no one is getting a card from me, I will not Tweet about my sweetie, I will in fact walk through the Hallmark card aisle and cross out the word "Sweetest" on each and every card with the word "Bullshit" in red Sharpie. If you didn't get some booty on Valentine's Day, tough shit. Not my problem.

I know the extra special days we all post about are the result of our instant gratification demanding culture. Not every God damn day is special. It's a fucking Wednesday. I get to take the trash out tonight. Whoop de doo. We always have to top everything, one-up ourselves, make sure everyone feels special every damn second for mundane reasons because GOD FORBID we just sit still and not watch Netflix or check how many likes we got or sit outside and just look at the damn sky. I put my phone away and read an actual book with real paper pages tonight. I might as well have whipped out my crack pipe with the look my kids gave me.

I believe I missed National Siblings Day. Shit, totally meant to send my brother a card.....Someone please let me know when Dysfunctional Passive Aggressive Family Day is so I can text them messages I'm too much of a pussy to say to their faces. I think it's maybe in November? I think it falls between National Wax Your Back Day and National Bastard Stepchild Day. Correct me if I'm wrong. So easy to mix up!!!!!

I have to go to bed now. Getting up at the crack to surprise my kids with a special breakfast. It's National Have Fun at Boarding School Day. It's hard to fit the scrambled eggs and mini muffins in those prison trays unless I'm well rested.