Energy In a Can

I have to admit I succumbed to the latest craze of over-priced energy drinks that now take up half of the soda aisle at the grocery store. Although I am a gimmick whore, these little beverages pack a punch. And by punch I mean "wakin' my ass up so I have to drink 1/2 a pot less coffee today". At my age, I need all the legal chemical intervention I can get my hands on.

I remember when our old pal, Britney Spears, used to favor Red Bull and vodka and I had to see what all the hype was about. Okay, do any of you out there really drink Red Bull because it TASTES good to you? Really? 'Cause I think it's about as nasty as it comes. And the sugar free shit tastes worse than cough medicine. Rockstar also makes a sugar-free one that literally has to be gagged down because it is carbonated Robitussin, and that shit is the nastiest liquid medicine I can ever remember having to take. In fact, whenever my kids bitch and moan about having to take their grape-flavored shit (tastes like Kool-Aid to me), I make them take whiff of Robitussin and it shuts them up pretty damn quickly.

So why on earth would a discerning consumer such as myself not merely enjoy, say a latte from Starbucks or a few cans of diet Coke? Buzz factor, baby. If you can get past the flavor, and with some of these varieties it can be a spit or swallow situation, you will become as energized and agile as a tap-dancing monkey in the circus. Your heart is not pumping and you don't want to rob a liquor store like you're whacked out on meth (not speaking from experience, just saw enough episodes of Cops to get an idea of what that shit makes you do), but you do feel like you can accomplish your list of errands at least with a little zing in your step and enough energy to even smile at the lady who tells you your photographs are still not ready at Walgreen's...even though you e-mailed them your pics 5 days ago. No worries, I'll just have another can of (booty-flavored) crack juice!! And I gravitate to sassy cans (not the ones in my bra) the way I'm drawn to clever book covers at Barnes and Noble. Things that look good tend to be better all around. I liken it to going to the bar. Do you pick any random guy who makes eye contact with you? I hope not. You look for Mr. Hottie of The Month and figure out how to get him to buy you a drink, perhaps even a Red Bull and vodka!

I don't understand how these people can charge $2.50 PLUS per can for this shit, though. I know most of them contain taurine, which I'm sure the FDA will discover causes lip and earlobe cancer in a year or two so yet ANOTHER product will be banned from our shelves. Not sure what taurine is but I know what 1500 milligrams of it DOES to my exhausted self on any given day. It makes me want to dance a big Broadway number, with big feather boas, ball gown, diamond jewelry, lavish fountains, and 50 tap-dancing men in tuxedos. Or just be able to not drive off the road from another night of insomnia because Sultan's traveling, either choice is good with me. If the FDA does decide this shit is toxic, and I know it's gonna happen, I will be sad and confused. Ex-squeeze me but aren't CIGARETTES toxic? Don't they already know they cause cancer and emphysema? But hey, it's the consumers choice whether or not to buy them and consume them. Shit, I used to be a smoker many moons ago. I was aware they weren't exactly vitamins but did I care? Hell no. I had a gynocologist who was a Harley-riding, bad-ass who smoked a ton. Of all people HE knew that shit was bad. As grown adults, shouldn't we be able to make that choice on our own? I'm not asking that they openly carry ephedrine on the shelves again, Lord knows it's so much fun having to promise your first born child and identify you last 5 addresses, blood type, and favorite sexual position just to buy a box of 24 Sudefed these days. Just trust me, if I want to kill myself by pumping my body full of harmful, energy-inducing toxins, piss off. It's my (saggy/jiggly/wrinkled) body, dammit. As of yet the government doesn't own THAT.

So even though I consume many cups of coffee every morning, I will continue to embibe on "the juice" as it's known on the streets. If you see me cruising down the street in my Windstar, my over-sized Nicole Ritchie-esque sunglasses shining, and me belting out "All That Jazz", complete with jazz hands (I can steer with my knees), please wave and say hi. Although I do have enough energy to audition for Cirque de Soleil, I am simply going to Petsmart, the grocery store, Mailboxes, ETC., and Target...all in about 20 minutes. Who says efficiency doesn't come in a can?