Hers Are SOOO Fake

I love a great designer purse just as much as any red-blooded, fashion-grubbing American. Trouble is, I don't make quite as much as Jessica Simpson to be able to afford a Marc Jacobs to go with my Prada mini dress or a Gucci duffel to take on a quick jaunt to Cannes or even a classic Hermes Birkin to wear with my Burberry tennis ensemble. So what choices am I left with? Shopping at Target for pleather bags that fall apart before I leave the check-out? Clearance sale at Macy's? Rifling through the messy racks at Marshall's or TJ Maxx with hoards of ladies, praying to score a Moschino without pen marks all over it? I don't think so.
The solution to my predicament came to me when I was in New York. Actually, I've solved my problem this way many times before....That's right, I use my fake purse pimp. While I was in NYC she appeared to me with her incognito laminated sheet of wares.
"You want Gucci? Coach? Prada? You like Burberry? Louis Vuitton?"
"Hell yeah, Ping Ling, take me to your Land of Designer Imposters!!" So we followed this petite little Chinese woman, I call her Ping Ling because that made up name suits her, as she darted through crowded China Town, in and out of traffic and alley ways, for about 8 or 9 blocks. My excitement and fear built as we could barely keep up with my purse pimp. She was a quick little mama. We were led through a grimy alley, into a building which had scores of non-Asian clientele coming out, incognito black shopping bags bulging. After scaling at least 12 stories in the dark, my panting grew rapid, partially from excitement but mostly because my fat ass had just eaten lunch. Ugh. Too. Many. Steps.
Another Chinese woman opened her non-descript door and the light came beaming out, like a scene where a choir of angels should be singing. Purse upon (fake designer) purse was hung in their (seriously reduced prices) glory for me to peruse. I settled on a sassy little Coach patchwork hobo-style bag and a yummy brown leather layered Gucci bag with funky wooden handles. I left it to my husband, the haggler extraordinaire, to negotiate a price. I scoffed at women who's husbands were just forking over handfuls of $20's. Amateurs. Like these ladies are going to drag your asses all over China Town and then let you walk away because they want $60 for a bag but all you'll give them is $25? I don't think so. Don't be such an over-excited pussy. It's a nice bag but it IS a fake, don't get hosed you douchebag. Even as we made our descent down the stairs, doors kept popping open upon hearing our footsteps, "You want more purses? More inside? Gucci? Prada? Louis Vuitton?" It was like a giant cuckoo clock with little Chinese birdies popping out to say hello. So bizarre.
If you happen to visit NYC, check out China Town. You will know who these purse pimps are, they make themselves known pretty damn quickly. They won't be selling the good fakes on the street so don't bother. Ocassionally you'll catch a man and wife team, usually Nigerian, with good purses spread on a huge sheet. Umbuku will flash a duffel with Cartier, Rolex, and Movado (fake) watches. These are actually decent watches, haggle it up. Like you'd really pay $50,000 for a watch if you had it? Come OOOOONNNN!!! Beware though, these streetside renegades will scatter faster than roaches in the morning sun when a cop is spotted within 100 yards. We chased Umbuku (again, made up but fitting name) to score a sweet ass watch several blocks till the cops disappeared. Big trouble in the form of counterfeit wares and deportation if these sellers get caught. I don't blame them. Hey, someone's gotta' make a living, right?
And before you get on the Greenpeace train claiming I'm supporting inhumane working conditions and I'm also impacting these poor wealthy designers who are losing sales due to the counterfeit market, I have to say put our picket signs down, Heather Mills. Pardon me, Donatella, but if I actually HAD an extra $30,000 to toss around for whatever suited my fancy, it would not be on a few over-priced handbags. With they way trends are more disposable than tampons these days, how can the normal woman (read:NOT making movie star bucks) keep up? I'll tell you---buy some fake ones, baby!! And if Ping Ling's little sister, Purse-Sew-Sa, is not getting any sleep from working her shift at the REAL Louis Vuitton then heading to the counterfeit factory, tell her to stop. But SOMEONE is making money and benefitting here. They're not being held at gunpoint to sew those bags. Is it helping their family's income? Does is send a few of them to America for a better life? Does it mean that that bitchy waif in line at Macy's will scrutinize my fake and think it's REAL while she runs out and pays $1500 for the real deal? Hell yeah...