You Think You Look Cool?

For the life of me I cannot figure out what has happened to cars these days. People crap them up with bumper stickers, those douche-bag Calvin and Hobbes decals, graphics, giant all-American bald eagle murals, R.I.P. mantras for their lost (gang member) loves ones, fake bullet holes, and super shiny giant rims on their tires. You all look like huge assholes so pardon me while I laugh at you when I drive by.

I cannot stand these green, earth-loving, anti-Bush, anti-fur, anti-meat, anti-war, anti-disposable tampon folks who preach their 789 missions in life all over their mini, rusted out cars. Your hemp mobile looks like a cartoon. You have more bumper stickers than actual paint on your car. Go smoke a bowl of kind and chill. Don't get your bamboo undies in a wad. Don't take life so fucking seriously. I don't think you are wrong for having all these beliefs, I just don't need to read about them ALL or explain them to my kids when I'm waiting for the light to change behind you. Summarize in a T-shirt and if I have any questions, I'll ask, okay?

To those young guys who think it's so hot to put crazy-ass graphics all over their little cars, with those 2 foot-high air-foil spoilers on the back of their trunks, you look like bigger tools than I do driving a mini van. And I'm just assuming you have really, really small dicks, judging by the way you have to compensate by over-accessorizing your car. It looks like a retarded shark on wheels.Do you honestly think you'll get more pussy with that car?

And to you, Mr. Gangsta (livin' in the burbs), with your ridiculously expensive spinning rims, your tinted windows, your massive SUV, and your booty-pumping bass stereo system that almost gives me an orgasm when you are behind me in the left-hand turn lane (okay, THAT part's not bad), what are you trying to prove? Do you secretly think 50 Cent will be driving through BOLINGBROOK and think, "Hey, that is one bad-ass motherfucker. I think he'd be dope as hell to chill wit on my tour. Those rims is SICK!" Sigh. You poor, poor freak. Now that I am DEAF from you playing your rap music loud enough to register on the damn Richter Scale, I have to learn to sign to you, "Turn it the fuck down!!" By the way, you are white, wear khakis from the Gap, and enjoy watching Desperate Housewives. Gangsta you is NOT.

I am all about this war bullshit being over. The ribbon fad was good. But a plethora of magnets in every rainbow color and cause all over the back and sides of your car? Really? One or two, fine. If you already have the decal with the stick figure drawing of your family, along with their names, your daughters cheerleading squad, your son's football team, your college alma mater, your dog's groomer, and your plastic surgeon's website, you have too much fucking shit on your car. And if you can fit ALL that crap on your car, your SUV is way too big. Downsize to maybe a sedan then you won't be tempted to buy some nifty bullet holes and one of those fake baseball breaking the window things. Good God.

Aside from the over-crowded cause-worthy bumper stickers, because 90% of you are moms, the offensive car crapper-uppers are shitty drivers. Some of you moms drive like jackasses but I categorize myself into that group. I multi-task when I drive (screaming at the kids, turning on the AC, turning down Hannah Montana so I can think, chugging my Red Bull) so I get distracted and often drive below the speed limit. So sorry if you're ever behind me. Why must the rest of you go 75 miles an hour at 4pm? Is there really someplace that special to get to? In suburbia? Seriously? Is there a sale at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? A run on camping gear at Sportmart? Turkey jerky 5 for a dollar at Gas City? Get a life and slow down. Your magnets are flying off your car.